


The Gang Is Fine for Once

by anouksayslou



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Abandonment, Ableism, Ableist Language, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Racism, Recreational Drug Use, Sexism, Sexist Language, Sexual Content, Transphobia, insensitivity to serious issues especially those concerning mental health, they are canonically horrible people, this is iasip so you know what the usual triggers are
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-05 00:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10293428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anouksayslou/pseuds/anouksayslou
Summary: The Gang misses a member but nobody talks about that. In Charlie's opinion they're all doing just fine.(set after the 12th season)





	1. Chapter 1

Charlie wakes up with his feet almost blue and frozen because Frank spilled the beer on him last night and forgot to wake him up before he ran off to meet Artemis in some alley. His face is covered with pizza cheese but he doesn't remember eating any pizza last night. In fact, his stomach is completely empty so he knows he hasn't been eating for a day or two.

He removes most of the cheese from his hair and face and then showers (cold water no soap because it's Cleaning Up Day), takes the first shirt he sees (it may be Mac's old shirt but it's probably Dee's because it has sleeves) and picks up some change he finds in Frank's pants. He may need that for beer later.

On a normal day he'd go to Waitress' but he's really trying to avoid her these days. He's learned the hard way that every woman is a baby-obsessed freak, even the most perfect one among them. He's done with women for good. Or at least until the Waitress comes to her senses and is once again the way she was when they met.

He drags his feet when he walks now too, that's the aftermath of THE NIGHT, the one that he's not allowed to talk about, the one when he and Mac decided to drink every drop of beer in the bar and start a fight with some marines. By the time they were sober enough to ask for a bottle of whiskey, Dee was already in the back office, trying to lock the door with something that looked like a hair pin, bottles of whiskey clinking by her feet. He wanted to yell then - Hey, Bird!Leave some shit for us too!- but there was an anger on Dee's face, a kind of anger he never saw before so he shut his mouth. Somebody shouted something and Mac fell over him for some reason with so much force that Charlie heard every bone in his body hit the floor. His legs were never the same after that, bruised and bloody for weeks, aching every time the weather decided to change.  
  
But that was months ago. Everyone's got their shit together now.

Frank, for example - he's with Artemis five out of seven days a week now. That's almost an exclusive relationship. Frank may even settle for life. Charlie hates it but Artemis makes great eggs with bacon and gives them blankets when it's time to wash them and she always has some pain killers so he will tolerate her for now.

And Dee! Dee's started doing commercials! That's an acting job, right? Charlie doesn't have any idea what she's trying to sell, in fact he doesn't even know if she'll ever be on TV but Dee's weirdly proud of that so he lets her have it. Nobody makes fun of her. Nobody calls her Bird. Dee's really nice when other guys are not around, if he's being honest. At least she doesn't have that baby-craze-stuff like the other girls and Charlie respects that.

And Mac? Well nobody's got it all together like Mac. Mac wears his shirt with sleeves now.

-The fuck, Charlie? – Mac says when he sees him. – Where have you been? It's Cleaning Up day, man!

-Sorry, - Charlie says, spitting a little, which makes Dee frown. It's not his fault, though. It's hard to talk and swallow at the same time. – My leg got stuck in something.

Nobody questions that.

-OK, OK, - Mac says loudly but there's only Charlie and Dee there so he doesn't have to be so loud. They stand beside him, Charlie on his right. There's something weird about Mac calling a meeting every morning, Mac coming to work before everyone else, Mac wearing button up shirts. Charlie's certain Mac even smokes now but fuck him if he says anything 'bout it.

-So, as you know, the inspection's coming tomorrow...

Dee and Charlie nod. That's the only thing they care about in the world.

-We've done most of the job now. The bar's clean.

-Toilets are almost unclogged, - Charlie adds. That's his job for the day even though there's something really weird and resilient stuck in the third toilet bowl. It's time for him to try again, no gloves though because they'd probably get stuck too. He's weirdly happy about it.

-Yes, Charlie, good. Dee, the soda guns are ready?

-Clean as a whistle! I only need to clean up the filter on the dishwasher and we're good to go.

-Good! That leaves us with... Frank's part. Is that part done, Charlie?

Charlie's pretty sure Frank's job is done. – I can't hear those goddamn machines anymore so it must be it, right?

-Good! – Mac claps and for a moment Charlie's afraid he'll praise them some more. Dee looks scarred too, forgetting to look she doesn't care for a moment. But Mac doesn't notice.

\- If it's okay with you, I'll go finish some things then, - Mac says, looking at them like he's expecting them to revolt.

\- Fine, - Dee smirks and starts walking to the back office. - Go fuck those dudes.

Mac smiles. He's talking about how much sex he's having every day. It's weirdly annoying. Charlie almost wished he's in the closet again.

When Mac starts checking the register Charlie picks up the biggest spoon from the pile of dishes. He can't pick that thing up with his hands only, what was he thinking? He's pretty sure the dishwasher will kill all the toilet bacteria from the spoon and if not, they use that spoon for cocktails only. Nobody drinks those anyway.

Half an hour later he pulls out a wooden cross and a condom from the toilet bowl. The water flows into the bowl rustling like angel feathers. The yuck puddle is as small as it can be and can be covered with a stylish brick for a day. He then makes sure he can't hear Mac walking.

Dee's standing on the door, cleaning her hands with a cloth, starring in the distance.

-He's gone, Charlie, come out. - She looks like a completely different person now that Mac's out, her shoulders hunched. Charlie leaves the cleaning bucket in the toilet, limping more freely. She doesn't have to pretend around Dee. Not anymore.

The truth is – they are not fine at all.  
  
***

Secret DC Meetings begin by accident one morning when Mac asks them to clean the blood from the tables before he leaves. They had only the best bar fight ever and everybody's still buzzing from the excitement. What he clearly forgets is that the fight was three days ago and that Charlie already cleaned all the blood two days ago.  
Charlie wanted to remind him of that with a simple: What the fuck, man? - but he stops just in time because he notices Dee mouthing –NO, CHARLIE.

\- What was that about, - she asked him then, as soon as Mac left the room.

\- I don't know, man, he's being all weird and shit.

\- We had like four bar fights this month.

\- That's a weird amount.

\- It's 17th day of the month, Charlie.

\- Is it?

Dee looked at him like he's something strange she found on the floor but he never knew what date it is anyway, so she may as well come to terms with that.

\- He's dating these shady guys...

\- He took three of them to their apartment last week.

\- He took the charge in the bar, - Dee continues.

\- He lets Frank do his thing.

\- But that's because...- Dee starts.

\- Yeah, - Charlie adds. -I know.

\- He's in love with Dennis, - they say at the same time. They both look guilty. It's an unspoken agreement that they won't speak that name again.

Dee breaks the silence. - He's gonna kill himself. And us.

\- Yup, - Charlie says calmly. His legs hurt.

  
The secret DC meetings begin that day every time Mac walks out with some excuse. Dee comes up with the name because she doesn't want to use Chardee anymore and because she's hot for the guy who plays Aquaman or some shit. They follow Mac and Frank and for the first time ever they know everything that happens in the bar before anyone else.

This is how they find out that Mac's banging every guy in the town. This is also how they find Frank's secret distillery in the basement.

-Do you think there's a reason why they're hiding a potentially explosive business underneath us? Do you think Mac knows?

-I don't think he cares, Dee. – Charlie says simple. – As long as we get to chug this shit for free and make more money he's done for the day.

-Where does he find those women to work there at this heat?

-Fuck me if I know. I think those are the same ones who use to make those dresses for us. Ukrainians or some shit.

-Well, at least it's not prostitution. – Dee says and fans herself with some greasy newspaper.

The problems start when they receieve the notification about the inspection.

It's not Charlie's fault this time, he swears. He picked the letters up, threw some bills with the dead rats in the trash but he left those letters in Frank's office. It's Frank's fault because he's got a new weird obsession with handmade cigarettes and he smoked ever piece of paper in the bar. The only reason why he even read the letter was because he started chocking.

-I have a slightly illegal business down there, - Frank informs them that day while holding the letter. Dee made her best no shit face.

-We know, Frank, - Charlie said, exhausted.

-Well, good, then. I'll have to bring some people to make a false wall down there until the inspection's gone.

-What about the workers, Frank? – Dee asked. She looked terrified.

-Well, I'm paying them to work, Deandra. 'Course they'll be down there for a day or two. I'll leave a window open or something.

This is how the construction in the bar started. This is how they all god damn lost their minds from all the noise and this is how Mac fought a soldier with no hand which somehow left him with a broken nose and a desire to stop wearing sleeveless shirts.

The truth is – they are going to loose the bar this time if everything doesn't go perfectly.

Since Dennis left them to be a dad or some other unspeakable shit they've had police raids every night. They've payed fines for fighting, underage drinking, public nudity and somehow they're all banned for life from going to Canada, which yeah, they don't give a shit about that, but why did these things keep happening to them?

***

The machines don't stop whirring and at some point Dee notices that making one false wall probably wouldn't take up so much time. She has a point, Charlie knows that, but he's not about to go snitching on Frank so he curses at her until she stops speaking about it. If Frank's hiding something then that something is really big.

They are all fine.

They seemed just fine.

Until Charlie started checking up on them.

Dee, for example, leaves the bar every afternoon at 5pm for a couple of hours to go shoot a commercial. Mac doesn't give a shit if she's back in time for the evening crowd. She looks happy as fuck about it so Charlie breaks a promise he's sure he's made some time ago. He follows her straight into the agency only to find her reading the lines for a commercial for a genital herpes creme. She has tears in her eyes then but she brushes them off and keeps reading the lines with no fake accent whatsoever. Charlie thinks that's just about the saddest thing he's ever seen in his life. He leaves the agency unnoticed.

Frank looks like he's doing just fine. He's not at home night after night, he misses wrestling matches and movie nights and when he comes back he brags about fucking Artemis and her sister in the butt until he falls asleep with his glasses sliding off his face into some puddle he makes on the bad, beer or piss, Charlie's not sure. There's no such thing as buttfucking tho, not even close, cause Artemis informs them all that she's marrying a good man on a Sunday when Frank's not around. They pretend like that incident never happened when Frank comes back.

Mac goes to church and talks loudly and bangs guys every day but Sunday and he visits his mom and he works hard at the bar. He even helps Dee move some beer kegs without complaints. Mac seems just fine. So Charlie does the only reasonable thing he can do. He leaves a baby monitor in Mac's room and listens to everything that happens in Mac's bedroom. The truth is really unexpected. It turns out that Mac never banged all these guys. They come, drink beer, talk about some gay stuff (which make Charlie hard for some reason) and then they leave. Nobody sucks the other guy off no matter how long Charlie waits.

The only person besides The Gang who could care about any of this shit is the Waitress but Charlie can't ask her anything anymore. The truth is – she's not even that wonderful now that she's ready to get married and have babies and do some other equally shitty things. Charlie misses the days when he'd follow her around, watching her shop groceries and dry clean her clothes. She is, besides Dee, the most beautiful girl in the world but she's a girl nonetheless. And Charlie's not ready to be a husband and a father. He's not even ready to drink pain killers every 8 hours and his leg is killing him if he doesn't.

Fuck Dennis. It's all his fault.

They've taken it hard, all of them, even Frank. Dennis leaves them to be a father and a husband to some creeps from Siberia or somewhere else in the north and it hurts. It hurts in every corner of Charlie's broken body because he's used to being left behind but not by The Gang. Not for such a long time.

He never noticed how Dennis was Dee's other half since birth until she's suddenly alone all the time. They always seemed like they hated each other but they were still scarily alike.

And he's certain now that Dennis is not coming back.

Mac is a mess. And not just because he's gay because he's been gay all his life and Charlie knew that since they were kids but Dennis leaving left him completely alone in his apartment. He looked small, like a kid, most of the time. A small, lost kid. What was he doing all alone in that place? Charlie at least had Frank to lie next to when they were cold. And Mac still checks his phone all the time although nobody calls him except Charlie's mom sometimes.

Is this how they're supposed to live from now on?

Dee finds him on the stairs in front of Waitress' place.

-Figured you'd be here, - she says.

-What am I going to do if we loose the bar Dee? Nobody's gonna give me a job.

-What are you talking about, Charlie? We're not going to loose the bar. We always manage somehow.

-That's because we had Dennis, - he says and regrets it immediately. Dee's wide eyed and smaller somehow every time someone mentions his name. – Sorry. - If Mac was there Charlie'd expect nothing less than a punch in the face.

-No, you're right, Charlie. Did you know that Frank forgot to leave the window for the workers?

-No shit! Come on Die, we gotta go!They're gonna die!

-No, they're not. - She says calmly. - I let them all out. Don't worry, I'm just gonna blame the construction workers for that and Frank's gonna give them jack shit but that's better than some Russian grannies dying, right?

-Yeah, yeah, good job Dee. – Charlie says, relieved. She looks proud.

They are silent for a moment but Charlie has to say something and who's better listener than Dee?

-Mac can't get it up for those guys, - he spews finally.

-Fuck, - she says, wide eyed again,- and now! Now that he's finally ready to be gay and shit!

-Yeah. I've been following him around. And Frank sleeps under Artemis' window every night. He can't handle her getting married. I think he's gonna kill the guy. I'm gonna have Frank in prison and Mac killed in a fight because he's a gay guy who can't speak about his feelings.

-And I'm gonna be the most famous chick with STD in the US since Monday when they start playing my commercial on TV. - She looks at Charlie like she's expecting him to burst out laughing. - I'm the genital herpes gal. That's my big acting career. Joke's on Dee.

-Shit, - Charlie says, knowing that he'll pretend to not have known that before until the day he dies. - I'm sorry, Dee.

-It's OK. I got some money. I bought a new car. Maybe some rich guy will fall in love with me when he sees me on TV.

-Yeah, I'm not sure about that, Dee. - He pats her on the shoulder. 

For a while they just breathe.

***

The bar is silent when they come back. Mac is sleeping in the back office and there's only one guy sipping a beer in the back. The bar looks clean.

They check the basement door. The false wall looks so good that nobody would notice there's a whole illegal business behind it. Unless it gets too hot and the whole thing explodes but they'll all be dead in that case and that's not such a bad thing anyway, in Charlie's opinion.

-I think we can really pull this off tomorrow, - Dee says and pours them both a glass of beer to celebrate.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, - the door opens and Frank keeps chanting while entering the bar. – We're fucked, guys!  
Mac groans in the office. -What now, Frank?

-It turns out some chick from the basement heard that I'm planning on leaving them all down there. The bitch understands English! She went to the police, my guy in the police just called me to tell me they're coming right after the health inspector guy.

-Today? – They all answer. Charlie thinks he'll probably throw up now.

-Yeah, fuck. I didn't know they even speak Russian in the police! – Frank yells and Mac and Dee groan loudly. – That whore is gonna cost us our jobs.

-No, Frank, - Dee screams, - it's your fault. We're all fucked because your a selfish piece of...

-Shut up, bitch. He's here. – Frank says, listening to some sounds Charlie could never hear. The hearing voices thing has to do with Frank's Vietnamese days and Charlie's even more terrified when he notices the fear in Frank's eyes. How did they manage to loose the bar and fuck up their lives so badly in just a couple of months?

The health inspector guy is skinny, with dark hat and glasses and a giant notebook.

-Well, well, well, - he says with an accent, probably German. – I guess you guys are fucked.

-Grab the knives, - Frank whispers to Dee, standing closest to the bar. – We're gonna fight this motherfucker right now.

Charlie wants to scream and run away but his legs hurt too badly for that. Is this it? Is this the day they'll finally kill someone? Hurting people, yes, that was always somehow necessary but killing someone? Charlie's not sure he's ready for that. He looks around in terror, Frank is already grabbing the biggest knife from the bar, singing some war march, but Dee and Mac are not moving, starring at the guy with a determination Charlie has never seen before.

-What are you guys d...- he starts speaking but then he too feels something familiar. Now only Frank is tense while the guy in front of them takes off his glasses first, then his hat and his fake beard.

It's Dennis, of course.

How could Charlie not notice? Mac and Dee knew right away.

_Who else would send an official notification and then show up a day early?_

_Who else would enjoy watching them all loose sleep for days?_

_Who else had any interest in The Gang coming together, tired, hungry and bruised just so they could have the most dramatic entrance?_

Charlie wants to ask him why he's so skinny and tired. He also kinda wants to hug him.

Mac is faster than Charlie could ever be. He punches Dennis straight in his greyish face before Dennis can even say another word. Nobody moves to help the guy on the ground. They can only hear the sound of Dennis' jaw breaking. And the police siren. Again. 


	2. The Gang Tries to Break the World Record

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank finds out about the World Drinking Record. Meanwhile Dennis tries to be a part of the Gang again.

**-** Three...two...one...- Dennis stops counting, - Go, Charlie!- They both let out an ear piercing scream and Charlie starts drinking the beer from a tube. 

-What the fuck are you doing, guys? – Mac stops at the door as soon as sees them. Frank never even looks at him. 

-Hello, Mac. – Dennis says calmly, with a smile. – You're just in time. Charlie here is trying to break the world record.

-What world record? - Mac asks.

-Drinking World Record, of course - Dennis answers like that's the most obvious thing in the world. 

Mac looks like he desperately wants to know more but he gives up finally. Dee looks at him with understanding as she leaves the glasses she was cleaning and takes two bottles of beer for them. Then they both go to the last table in the room, as far away from Dennis as they can.

It's been like that for days now. Mac and Dee stopped talking to Dennis altogether, even if he was not being the easiest guy to avoid. Charlie on the other hand looked too happy to see him again. He even let Dennis move in with Frank and him for a couple of days even though he probably had to hear at least a dozen of Dennis' snarky remarks every day. Frank was just happy there were enough people to do what he says. 

-Come on, you guys, - Dennis turns around to look at Mac and Dee. His eye was still a bit swollen which must have made Mac smirk. (There was a talk that he asked some of the guys from the gym to call him The Iron Fist.) - It's been a week. I live with Frank and Charlie! Do you know how much I suffer?

-Chug chug chug chug chug, - Frank chants on his right, not listening, as usual. – Remember, Charlie, André Roussimoff drank 119 beers. You can probably do that, no sweat.

-Are you fuckers trying to kill him? - Dee says. She’s always protective of Charlie.

-See, Deandra, we are not. – Dennis answers, even though his sister is obviously not talking to him. – Tomorrow night we’re making a beer drinking contest and Charlie here will be competing.

-What’s the prize? – Mac asks, surprised.

-Five thousand dollars. – Frank says, emphasizing every word.

-Out of your pocket, Frank? What do you even have to win? – Mac says.

-The entry fee is 50 dollars, Mac. I’m gonna win a shitload of money.

***

-Fucking Frank, - Dee says, carrying the biggest keg of beer Mac's ever seen. For a skinny girl she does a weird amount of lifting around the bar. – I know he's not doing this for money.

Mac's right behind her with a smaller one. – Well a drinking contest on Wednesday is gonna bring a lot of people in, Dee.

She snorts. Among them Dee is the best drinker even if none of the guys would ever admit that.

-If I win the money I'm gonna buy a boat, - Charlie says dreamily. Since yesterday when Frank announced he's ready he looks like an excited child all the time. There's no point in reminding him of the dangers now. 

-You've burnt the one boat you had, Charlie, - Dee reminds him.

-Yeah, you kinda ruin everything,buddy, - Mac says insensitively. Charlie still looks excited.

There are at least 20 unknown people in the bar, carrying the kegs and glasses, posting flyers everywhere. Mexicans, Eastern Europeans, hobos. Who even knows anymore? Frank is running around with his fat, handmade cigarette, screaming at the immigrant workers. The whole thing looks very serious. 

Dennis shows up an hour later with sunglasses, sipping something that looks like orange juice. Everyone stares at the drink in his hands. – What's up you guys? – Frank and Charlie start chanting his name. Dennis starts dancing. 

-I'm gonna need you all to work faster, - Frank explains to them later. After an hour of pretending to work hard Mac finds two workers and gives them both a dollar to do the heavy lifting for him and Dee. Then they both move to the back alley where there's a 60 feet long row of kegs. 

-Wow, - they both say.

-I still don't think he's doing this for the money, tho, - Dee says, starring suspiciously at Frank's back.

-I think you're right. He's not even selling his own beer! He's mixing it with some light beer and pours it back into kegs.

-He's spent so much money on this beer. I don't think he'll earn that much. With...what...two hundred people showing up?

-That's not too much. – Mac says and starts counting intently.

-Stop that, Mac, you can't do calculus. You're only gonna hurt yourself. 

Mac tries to protest but Dennis appears in front of them. – Come on, you guys, you can't ignore me forever. - He has that familiar stare of a man who knows nobody can refuse him.

-You're right, -Dee sighs like she's giving up and turns to her brother. – You're like cancer, Dennis. I can't ignore you.

-Yeah, welcome, buddy. – Mac adds, nodding to what Dee's just said.. - We've missed you.

-Really? Does that mean I can come back to my apartment? –  Dennis asks immediately. He stops, knowing that he's made a mistake and then asks again, carefully this time: - To our apartment?

-We'll see, buddy, OK? Here, have a drink with us. – Mac says and handles him a glass.

Dennis' smile is wide and sincere. He chugs the whole pint of beer and pats both Mac and Dee on the shoulder before going back to help Frank.

-Jeeeesus, - Dee says and whistles. - He's probably taken enough laxative to kill a man.

-Really, Dee? – Mac protests, disappointed. – I thought we're going with sleeping pills! I put like five of them there.

-Jeez. Sorry, Mac. - Dee says thoughtfully. - I forgot we're planning on putting the laxative in _Frank's_ drink.

They both turn to look at Dennis.

-What do you think it's gonna happen? – Dee asks him. – Is he gonna shit and then sleep or is he gonna fall asleep and shit in his sleep?

-That's a real mystery, Dee, - Mac says, dead serious, and takes another gulp of beer. – This shit's amazing! I gotta tell Frank.

 

***

 

The turnout is amazing, to say at least. It seems like every person in Philly is ready to drink the amount of alcohol that's enough for a suicide or at least to watch others do it. Even the McPoyles are there, drinking their warm milk and watching Dennis like a steak ready to be eaten. That's one thing that can always make him freak out.

The contestants go out. They are a sad bunch of people who are almost always in the bar anyway. Charlie's put on a burgundy robe which he probably stole from a boxing ring nearby. He's also wearing a big GO CHARLIE pin, a gift from Dennis. Mac and Dee make fun of him for that, chasing him around until he breaks ans shouts dramatically:

– That's it, you guys! Can you just believe in me? Can you just once believe in me?

They both stop in place. Charlie walks away, still angry, well, as much as he can be.

-God, what's he even talking about, - Mac asks, watching Charlie leave.

-I think he's really into winning this award, Mac. – Dee responds, amazed by the outburst. – And I think we should cheer for him. Come on, lets do it, lets cheer on him.

She goes all the way then, really. She even finds a sharpie and writes GO CHARLIE on her forehead. Someone shouts: - I hope it never washes, you bitch.

 Dee kicks them in the shin.

Mac allows her only to write on his once again bare hands. They look ridiculous but also, hopefully, as Dee says, supportive enough for Charlie.

Later they make a whole act of sipping beer like fine liquor, making fun of Charlie's opponents. Mac even makes a show of massaging Charlie's back to relieve the tension. Dee giggles and sips another beer, obviously enjoying herself.

Artemis finds them half drunk, sunbathing when everyone around them is already drinking like crazy and breaking glasses. She seems unfazed. 

-What's up, Dee?

-Hey, A! Nothing much, we're just enjoying looking at our little Charlie here. He's doing two beers in a minute now. Frank thinks he can break the world record.

-What's the world record then?

-Only 119 beers.

\- Nice. It must be great for you to see all these people drinking and not having to serve them.

-Well, - Dee shrugs, looking modest,- if I'm being completely honest, I think Frank's convinced that I'm working. I plan on just staying here until all these guys do my job and then I'll just pretend to be dead tired and angry at him.

Artemis smiles. – Good one, Dee! You should screw the old crow while you can. Especially because he's your dad. God knows I tried. Have you seen Roger, by the way? He said he'll meet me here.

-Who's Roger? 

\- Oh, - Artemis smiles,- that's my fianc _é_! Sounds amazing, right? My fianc _é_! In fact, his company is providing all this beer today. Frank himself made sure of that. Who'd know he's so nice somewhere beneath all that thick skin? Oh, there he is! – She smiles dreamily and runs to hug a tall, slightly fat guy with a nice smile and kind eyes. Dee looks at her in shock.

-Fuck! – She hurries back to Mac and Charlie. - Mac, Mac, Mac, did you hear this?

-What? No, Dee, I was trying to help Charlie relax, dude's on his 24th beer, he's gonna need to take a piss soon...

-You fuck! Artemis just told me her fianc _é_ Roger is providing all this beer.

-So? – Mac asks, confused.

-So? So? Jesus, Mac! Don't you see? This is why Frank's doing all this! To meet Roger! To get him here.

-Fuck, - Mac's stares at her, - do you think he's gonna kill him or something?

-I don't know, - Dee says honestly.

-Maybe he poisoned all the beer?

Charlie stares at them. They stare back. Charlie puts his 26th beer down.

-Nah, - Mac says finally. Someone behind him cheers.

 ***

 

Charlie's out of breath, slowly getting too drunk to spot the glass on the table. If he wants to win, he's gonna need help so Mac steps up. The judge allows Mac to help him. Of course, Mac makes a whole show of it, cheering loudly and swearing eith a series of comforting carate moves.

-Where's Dee, - Charlie asks, his eyes closed for a moment when he pauses.

-Stalking Frank, I think. Come on, man, you're getting there.

-And Dennis?

-The fuck do I care?

-Listen, Mac, - Charlie says slowly, taking big gulps of beer. – I know you like, hate him and everything. Dee too. I get that, man. But he's been in our place for a week now, and he's talking every night and I mean every night about how he's sorry.

-That's because he knows you'll tell us that.

\- No, man, he's really sorry. - Charlie says with hope.

-Why'd he leave then?

-I don't know, man. Maybe he's baby crazy like everyone right now. I guess he's like tired of our shit too or something.

-Where is his wife? – Mac asks and tries really hard to look like he doesn't care.

\- She's there, she's happy. Turns out, she really just wanted Dennis to meet the kid. She doesn't even want the money.

Mac says nothing.

Dee turns out completely wet, stinking of beer. Before anyone can ask her anything she starts yelling: -Guys, guys, guys! I just locked Frank in his office!

Mac spits. – Fuck! Why Dee? Why?

\- I heard him talking on the phone about killing somebody so I panicked. I don't think he was planning on giving you any reward, Charlie. I think he's planning to kill Roger and run away with all this money, leaving us alone here.

\- Fuck, - Charlie is too groggy to react properly.

\- But, see, - Dee continues, - there's nobody else in the bar left! Yeah, everyone is in the alley. Nobody can hear Frank! If you manage to win this thing soon, you'll probably get that five grand.

\- I want fifty percent, - Mac demands immediately.

\- No, - Charlie says, - You and Dee will get a third. Now help me win this thing. 

 

***

 

It's not a world record but he still manages to win. The final score is this:

Charlie Day: 72 glasses of beer. Liam Berry 60. Angela Nelson 59. Cricket's only fourth after passing out in a pile of his own puke.

-Charlie, man, you crushed this, - Mac is almost impressed. Charlie's grin is wide but Mac still has to help him to get to the podium and take the check.

-We should get him to the hospital right now, Mr McDonald, - the judge warns him when they're back. 

-Why? – Mac asks. He looks genuinely confused by those words.

-Well, - the judge looks uncomfortable, - he did just drink 72 glasses of beer! That's alcohol poisoning right there. He's probably in mortal danger.

Mac lets out a long breath. -Look. Charlie's been drinking every day of his life, man. We were fifteen and in school and he was still able to drink more than anyone I know. He's gonna be fine.

The man looks terrified. Mac stares at him until he leaves. 

Dee dances around, probably happy because she didn't do anything all day and still got some money. She even gets them all floral crowns. Charlie smiles when she puts one on him, ignoring the puke on his shirt. –Thanks, Dee.

-You know, Charlie, I'm in such a good mood right now.

Somewhere in the bar Frank starts shouting. Dee hides behind Mac who's now wearing his flower crown too. He sighs, looking at Charlie.

-Come on, man, lets get you to toilet.

***

Turns out Dennis is in the toilet too, leaning on the wall. – Did we win? , - he mutters when Mac tries to move him.

-Jeez, what happened to him? – Charlie asks Mac, untying his pants.

-Dee and I may have given him a thing or two.

-Knew it. What thing or two?

-Laxatives. And sleeping pills. He's been in this toilet for two hours now.

-God, Mac, you're so dumb. I heard the McPoyles are planning on jumping him today. Who knows what could've happened.

-Nah, -Mac says lazily, - I payed them to scare him all day. They think Frank has a man eyeing their Mother cow. They won't be bothering us for a while.

-So Dennis was wondering around all day, scared for his life, and for nothing?

-Yup.

-That's cold, Mac.

-Well, I had eyes on him the whole time. Also, those sleeping pills were in fact one sleeping pill and a couple of Tic Tacs. Don't tell Dee, tho.

-I think Dee's the one who put him in the toilet. – Charlie says, starring at Mac knowingly.

\- Well, - Mac shrugs, - it is about the safest place there is. She's his sister. She cares.

Dennis' eyes open suddenly.- Mac? – He calls.

-Yeah, buddy? – Mac says, with softness in his eyes and voice.

-How long was I out?

-A minute, I think.

-Good, - Dennis says, trying to sit down, a single drop of spit sliding down his cheek. - Is that a flower wreath?

-Shut up, Dennis.

-I'm sorry about all this, man. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was ready to be a father.

His voice is breaking. Charlie even stops pissing, just standing there, his pants still down and his mouth slightly open. He's obviously not used to Dennis saying he's sorry like he means it. 

-I'm not mad because you left, man. – Mac says finally. He's playing with the flowers in his hair unintentionally.

-No? – Dennis sits up straight. – Then why are you not talking to me?

-I'm mad because you left without a proper goodbye. I'm your best friend, Dennis! We live together. And all you left me was a pile of dirty clothes.

-I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise, - Dennis says and slowly touches Mac's hand, like he's scarred that the other guy will move away.

-And to Dee? – Mac asks.

-Yeah, - Dennis says .

-OK. – Mac says simply.

-You guys are the best, - Charlie adds thoughtfully and turns around to the toilet bowl again.

 

***

 

-Well I guess everyone is a winner today, - Dennis says that evening when Frank announces that he's earned no more than two hundred dollars.

-Really? – Dee asks. – How is Frank a winner? How are you a winner?

-Thanks for asking, sis. I am a winner brcause I  won my place at the top of the food chain as the Head of The Gang again.

Everyone pretends to throw up. Nobody tries to correct him.

-Mac here let me into our place again. - He starts.

-And Roger got arrested! Forgery and tax evasion.- Frank says, smoking happily. He's obviously enjoying himself. 

-Frank, what did you do? – Dee says, no surprise in her voice.

-I did nothing! I tried to get his old partner to kill him, that's right, but one of those damned immigrants locked me up in my office. When I got back he was already in cuffs. I guess doing business with me only gave the police a nudge in the right direction. Artie's gonna a need a shoulder to cry on, tho, - he says, sighing dramatically. They watch him for a moment.

-You get the room with no bed, - Mac says suddenly to Dennis, like the last part of conversation never happened.

 -OK. – Dennis grins. -I'll happily take that deal.

-And you get lost when I bring someone over. I don't want you scarring away my dates.

-You bring guys there now? – Dennis stares at him. He looks shocked.

-Yeah, Dennis, like all the time.

-It's true, I've seen him. He bangs all the guys all the time. – Charlie adds. Dee looks at him with a grin. They smile for a moment and then look away. Nobody else notices.

-But what.. what... – Dennis still look confused.

-Are you seriously asking a gay guy what he does with his dates, dude? - Charlie says loudly, pretending to be hurt by the notion. 

-Don't be such a homophobe, brother, - Dee says to Dennis and pats him on the back, GO CHARLIE sign still visible underneath the flowers. 

-Me? I am not! First of all, Dee, how dare you say that to... - He chases after his twin for the rest of the evening, yelling something nobody but him can really understand.

A moment later, Charlie gets up slowly from his seat and sits besides Mac. He doesn't say anything  anymore and he doesn't need to.

-You did good today, - Mac says silently so only Charlie can hear.

Charlie nods, pretending like he's heard the most serious thing in the world.  

– I know.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have any ideas about what should happen next, i'd love to hear them.


	3. Frank Reynolds – The Gay Right Activist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank finds a new way to make money. Brian is left with his father for two days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special warnings for canon-typical transphobia and homophobia in this chapter.
> 
> I made up this LGBT society because I was sure it would be disrespectful for me to use the name of a real one.

-Everybody, gather around, - Frank announces on a Monday.

-What is it, Frank? – Dee asks, already annoyed although it's pretty damn early in the morning. Of course, that didn't stop Mac and Dennis to try and spend their whole morning planting bird food everywhere in hope that she'll eat it somehow.

\- You're all looking at the new head of Lesbian, Gay and Tranny Society of Philadelphia. - Dee snorts. Charlie looks impressed.

-It's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual Community and why the hell would they let you be the main guy? – Mac asks, confused.

-Well that's a funny story, young Mac. Lets see, shall we? Two weeks ago I got a letter written to one Frank Ronalds, a famous gay lawyer from Philadelphia, residing in UK, from the L...G...T whatever you just said, asking him for a short term engagement with the organisation. I, of course, decided to throw the letter in the trash. But then I found a small note in the end of the letter, informing me that they are offering the other Frank five grand to appear at the Pride Parade! Turns out that Frank Ronalds died in England some time ago and that nobody around knows him. His office was supposed to be right around the corner, just so you know. So, naturally, I'll be taking that job now.

-Your name is not Ronalds, - notices Dennis. – They'll find that out right away.

-But I got the letter! What are they going to do? Check my credentials while they're covered in oil and bird feathers, dancing?

-You're not a gay rights activist, Frank! – Mac is suddenly very serious. - You still call me faggot. And you see me every day!

\- It's not my fault gays have all the money in America! And I am, - Frank says with a wide smile,- for a right amount of money, dear Mac, anything you want me to be. Now, who wants to go with me to a Parade?

***

The next day Mac wakes up when something that feels like a bag of cement falls on him. He groans and opens his eyes only to see a familiar child's face.

-Brian?

Dee, standing in front of the bed, answers instead: -Yeaah, Mac! This is Dennis' child! His crazy mother left him with me because Dennis forgot he's taking care of his own kid for the next two days! Now I don't intend to do that so you take him and tell Dennis to stop giving crazy people my address!

-Wait, Dee, - Mac shouts, trying to move the small child and get up at the same time, - what am I supposed to do with him?

-I don't care! – Dee screams and slams the door behind her.

He gets up and takes a good look at the kid. He should be scared but he's not, not really. Mac is actually pretty good with kids. It turns out that not having a father left him with a giant desire to do better with a child of his own. In his opinion, the secret for taking care of kids was a simple one: just give them food and bed and make sure that they don't die. Turns out most of the kids survived even worse conditions. Just look at him and Charlie. They turned out just fine.

When Dennis returns from the store (where he spends a weird amount of time, lets be honest) little Brian is eating cornflakes while Mac is starring at him, perplexed.

-Fuuuuuudge, - Dennis shouts, obviously remembering right in that moment that he was supposed to be responsible for a child's well-being on this day. – When did this little guy arrive? – He smiles and kisses his son's head. Mac stares at the floor.

-Your baby mama left your child at Dee's. And Dee is pissed at you for giving her address instead of yours, you know, like a normal person would? I was watching him for some time now but I gotta get to work now, man.

-Wait, Mac, wait, - Dennis grabs Mac's shirt, obviously in panic, - what am I going to do all alone with a child? – The last part is silent so that Brian could never hear him.

-I don't know, Dennis, - Mac whispers now too, - didn't you use to to live with him or something?

-Yes, - Dennis says, - but his mother was always just...there. I was never alone with him and I don't know how! Please! Can you help me? Mac, please?

-Dude.

-Please, Mac.

Mac lets out a long sigh. – You're gonna owe me for this, Dennis. Big time.

-I know.

-Do you?

When they look behind Brian is starring at them. They smile  reassuringly at the kid.

-My mom says you're my dad's boyfriend, - Brian Jr. says and spills all the cornflakes on the table.

 

***

 

-Well well well, the fathers of the day, - Dee greats them when they come inside.

-No children at the bar! We've been trough this! – Frank shouts. Brian Jr. looks terrified. Dennis tries to protest but Mac touches his hand to warn him.

-I'm not planning to, Frank. Look! All I'm trying to say is that I'm taking care of this kid today with Mac. We'll be taking shifts at the bar too.

-You better not be taking shifts tomorrow!- Frank says, grabbing the newspaper and the cigarettes from the table.

-What are you talking about, Frank?

-I'm talking about the Parade, Dennis! Which y'all agreed to go to!

-I didn't, - Dennis says.

-I'm not going, - Charlie adds.

-Not crazy, - Dee says.

Mac says nothing. They all look at him.

-Well I was already planning on going this year, so what? I may as well go with Frank.

-You? – Dennis doesn't believe this for a second. – You were planning on going to a Gay Pride?

-Yes?

-Hmmmmmmmm.

-Well if he's going then I'm going, - Charlie announces.

-Well I'm not being the homophobe in the group. I'm going too. – Dee agrees.

-Yeah, we all kinda need to support our best friend... – Dennis says.

Mac is obviously annoyed. -I didn't ask for that! I don't need you all to go!

-No, we're going, - Dee is persistent. –We're gonna support you, Mac. Always.

-Yeah, yeah, - Charlie agrees with her.

Frank makes sure they are all serious. -Five rainbow shirts then it is, - He says and picks up his phone too.

Mac seems nervous now. - God, okay! You guys are so weird! Listen, Dee can you taste this baby food for me? I'm not sure it tastes right.  And you're a girl, you know about that shit. – He then says, pulling a small container from Brian's backpack.

-Well, I don't know, Mac. Are you sure there's no bird food in it?

-Fuuuudge. – Mac says, pulls a five dollar bill from his pocket and gives it to Dennis.

-Told you it would never work, - Dennis says, leaving the bar with his son, smiling all the way out.

 

***

Turns out that Brian suffers from night terrors so Mac can't take him to all the places he loved the most when he was a child: the train station at night, the old abandoned buildings, the back alley of a strip-club. In fact, the only thing the kid wants to do is look at animals and eat candies.

-He's really low maintenance.- Mac says, changing shifts with Dennis which basically meant going back to Paddy's where Brian Jr. stopped holding his hand and took Dennis' instead.

-Yeah, he's really something, - Dennis adds with a gentleness in his voice, reserved for so few people.

Mac can't stand to look at him when he's like that.

-So how did you like being a head of security tonight?

-Mac, your job is literary making sure that nobody too young gets in a pub. And stopping hobos from eating each other's faces.

-Shut up, man, or I'll fuck you up! Take that back! - He forgets that he's not allowed to swear in front of the kid.                                            

-Fine, fine, - Dennis smiles, - I take that back. I'll be at our place with Brian.

When Mac gets back home, after two hours of doing literary what Dennis just described, Brian is sleeping with Dennis in Mac's bed. He's almost pissed at him because he loves his warm bed but he also doesn't  want to wake up the child. Instead he picks up his sleeping shirt from the floor and starts sneaking out.

-Hey buddy, buddy, I'm sorry, I'm gonna leave now, - Dennis' voice reaches him before he gets to the living room.

-No, - Mac peeks back to his room, - you stay there tonight. I'll get some sleep in your room.

-No, Mac, there's no bed there, only a mattress.

-Well that's because you're fucking cheap, Dennis! God, I... –He stops himself, remembering that the kid is still sleeping. – That's because you're too cheap to buy a proper bed and because you're still waiting for a chance to get my room.

-My old room, - Dennis corrects him.

Mac is now really ready to argue.

-Stay with us? – Dennis says then, his voice almost trembling.

-What? 

-There's enough room for you. And me. And this small, skinny child. We've slept together before, have we?

-Yeah, but...

-Stay, - Dennis says and it's not a command.

-OK. – Mac says finally and takes off his shoes. He places his heavy body in the bed carefully, the child then shifting closer to Dennis who then hugs him. They look peaceful together. Idyllic almost. Mac could get used to that.

-This is nice, right? – Dennis asks him, with something like hope in his voice.

-Yeah. – Mac says. –Yeah.

***

 

The whole morning's a mess. Brian Jr. cries a lot and crying makes Dennis lose his mind a little so Mac goes with the kid to the store to get donuts. Turns out that kid loves petting cats but also loves throwing stones at moving cars.

-Did you teach my child to throw rocks at cars? – Dennis asks, with suspicion.

-No, Dennis.

-Because I clearly remember that you and Charlie used to throw stones all your childhood. Now I don't want this boy's mother to smother me in my sleep.

\- And I don't want this kid to grow up weird like me so no! He learned that from other kids back home, I've asked him. – Mac says, ready to end this conversation right away. He doesn't understand why that makes Dennis suddenly look very sad, though.

They have to take the kid to the bar with them but it's OK because none of the customers are there.

-Take this, - Frank says and handles them five tank tops with rainbow print.

-I'm not wearing this, - Dennis says.

-Yes you are, - Charlie says, already putting on his shirt. He looks like a gay leprechaun. A hairy one. 

-Wow, Charlie that looks good on you, - Frank says, pulling his own shirt off. He's even hairier.

-You think? – Charlie smiles and blushes a little. Dee can't stop smiling.

Mac changes in the back office. In his opinion he looks horrible and probably offensive to someone but he's not about to get in fight with Frank about it. Frank meets him at the door holding a bandana with a rainbow print.

-Here, take this, - he says.

-Why?

-Because you're gay.

-Really, Frank? Aren't you like this big gay activist?

-No, I know what you think. Frank's an old homo hater. It's not like that at all! I need to make a speech to get that money and I need to look compassionate and ready to help. – He makes a very serious face and says, slowly: - You're my gay son, Mac.

-What the fuck are you talking about, Frank?

-You're my gay son for pay, Mac. And I'm your gay father who loves you.

-You're fucking weird, man.

-Five grand weird, maybe.

Back in the bar Charlie and Dee are drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.

-I can see your tits in that, Dee, - Dennis says, looking at his sister with contempt.

-So? - She answers. - All the guys are gonna be gay anyway.

-Hey, Mac, - Charlie calls him, - do you think gay guys will find me attractive?

-No.

-Why not? – He asks, suddenly sad.

-Because I, a gay guy, don't find you attractive.

-What's a gay? – Brian asks. Mac leaves that to his father to answer.

 

***

 

The Pride is crazy colorful, something Mac doesn't see very often in his life. It's a weirdly freeing place,too, for some reason. Brian Jr. is not even the only child there, with so many couples holding their children's hands and dancing. 

[Set me free ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3gcFQh8kuI)starts playing. Frank goes to the stand.

Dee and Charlie hop on the nearest car with bottles and everyone cheers on them. In this crowd they're not even the weirdest ones. And yet, the only thing Mac can look at is Dennis, making holes in his tank top to make his son smile, putting a giant necklace around his neck.

Everybody's dancing. Mac's almost ready to sing.

When he turns to check on everyone else, he sees Frank arguing with a man. At that point Mac is dancing sandwiched between two beefcakes so he's not really ready to pay full attention to Frank. And soon enough Frank's back, angry, his face fully red.

-They're not going to pay me shit! They used _my money_ to make a donation to some AIDS research. I'm not making any speeches today.

Hearing that makes Dee starts screaming with joy.

-I'm gonna kill her, - Frank says, obviously still angry. – Come on, you guys. Lets go back to the bar.

-No, I'm having fun, Frank, - Charlie shouts, dancing with the drag queens. He looks really comfortable. Dee looks very comfortable in her skin, jumping and screaming in the microphone. The crowd loves her.

-Mac?

-Nah, - Mac says.

-Dennis?

Dennis just smiles and high fives his son.

-OK then, - Frank shrugs and starts drinking.

 

***

 

Two hours later they are running and the angry crowd is shouting behind them.

Frank of course gets too drunk and lights a whole cart with flags on fire with his stupid cigarettes. Dee gets scarred when she sees the floor behind her on fire so she throws a bottle of beer and hits a very scary looking guy in the face.

-Gay Pride is awesome!- Charlie shouts, still wearing flowers.

-That was fucking scary, Frank, fuck you! I almost died there. - Dee screams at her father.

-Shut up, you bitch, I didn't get any money! I'm the one who should be shouting!

Mac lays down on the pool table, holding a bottle that's now dangling from the edge of the table. – Fucking awesome, - he says.

-Guys, - Dennis says, - I'm gonna take Brian to the bus station now, his mother's waiting for him.

Mac sits up. He wants to go with Dennis. He also wants to pick the child up and hug him tightly but he shouldn't.

-Bye, little boy, - he says instead and smiles.

-Bye, Mac. – The kid smiles back and Mac's heart grows bigger.

When they're gone Dee sits beside him on the pool table. – Are you OK? – She asks.

-Yeah, - Mac says and handles her the bottle, - throw this bottle into trash would you, Dee, I'm dying.

He lays back on the table.

-Why would I throw it, there's still beer left you fuck, - she says and drinks what's left.

There's a strange silence in the bar.

-Hey Mac, - she asks, making a face of disgust. Mac is trying so hard not to laugh that he can't say anything other than:- Mmmm?

-Did you just... spend two whole days grinding bird food into powder, mixing it with beer until it was unrecognizable, chasing me around until I drank it, only to be able to say that I officially ate bird food?

Mac starts rolling on the table with laughter. Frank laughs so hard that he falls from the chair.

-You gotta admire his determination, Dee. – Charlie adds and takes a sharpie. – Mac, - he says and gives the sharpie to his friend, - will you do me the honors?

Mac nods, suddenly very serious. Then he writes a giant I'M A BIRD on Dee's forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, I'm trying to write these chapters as IASIP episodes, this is why the language is so off (and I'm not a native English speaker) and this is why the chapters all have this length that could be transformed to 20 minute episodes. My goal is to prove that Sunny can still be funny and in character while the main ships are canon. I will continue to write this until I believe that. 
> 
> (tumblr @deeslaviclesbian; twitter @ladyinstarlight)


	4. Who Framed Ronald McDonald?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac issues a public apology.

INTERVIEWER: Good afternoon, folks! Today we have something really special for everyone, especially you, sports fans.  It has come to my attention that two nights ago, after the event that we, baseball fans, cannot and will not speak about... ( I'm talking about the game, you guys. I'll stop now.) Well, about that time a young man started coming outside our office, begging for his voice to be heard. Now I don't usually bring just any fan of The Morning Show with me but this... you just have to listen to this, trust me. So, hello, Mac, tell us all something about yourself.

MAC: Hello, Ben, I'm happy to be here. My name's Mac and I work in Paddy's Pub. I'm the head of security and their karate guy. I've lived my whole life in Philly.

INTERVIEWER: What's a karate guy?

MAC: Well, obviously, Ben, every bar's got a karate guy.  It's obvious, really.

INTERVIEWER: And you're quite a baseball fan, aren't you, Mac?

MAC: Well, Ben, I wouldn't say I'm just a baseball fan. Philadelphia Phillies are my life.

INTERVIEWER: Well, it is the only way, isn't it, Mac? We're all Phillies fans here, although it wasn't been easy for us recently, wasn't it? But onto some other stuff now! Folks, Mac here and I talked about something important this morning, didn't we?

MAC: Yes we did, Ben.

INTERVIEWER: Mac told me a story that he's now going to share with everyone. Now I'm gonna read this excerpt  from the news, if it's OK with you, Mac.

MAC (sighs): Yeah, it is, Ben.

INTERVIEWER (clears voice): Here we go. Last night (now this is from yesterday's news everyone) a man was arrested for public nudity. The man was found walking the streets just after midnight, with only a shirt on. He did not have identification and he was detained as a suspect of not only this crime but also as a suspect in robbery. (pause) Now, Mac, the robbery in question is actually a pretty funny one, is it? The suspects have taken, what, a street lamp? What was that all about?

MAC: It's a really long story, Ben.

INTERVIEWER: And we can't wait to hear it! But first, Mac, can you tell us all why did you want to come to the programme today?

MAC (quietly): Because I wanted to apologize.

INTERVIEWER: Louder, Mac, I don't think our listeners can hear you.

MAC (much louder): Because I wanted to apologize!

INTERVIEWER: And why is that, Mac?

MAC: Because the suspect in question was actually me. (silence) And because the shirt I was wearing was actually a Mets jersey. On the night the Phillies lost.

(long silence)

Now this is a really long story, so hang in there, okay? It's not like I'd wear a Mets jersey ever...in my life. But things happened and I was forced to...and...OK OK, let's go back to the beginning.

INTERVIEWER: We'll come back after a break.

***

INTERVIEWER: We're here with Mac who's telling us all about what happened two nights ago. OK, Mac, you can speak now!

MAC: Thank you, Ben. Now this was on a Tuesday night. For days now me and my best buddies, Dennis and Charlie were talking about doing an annual bar crawl. Why weren't we just watching the game, you ask? Like normal people? Well, you have to blame Dennis's sister Dee for that.

(pause)

It was Monday morning, OK, so I was really hungover and obviously late for work. But I'm pumped, like really pumped because the Phillies are playing, right? And  I ignore all the guys at the bar cause they're fighting or some shit and I go into our back office and I bring the TV (which I had fixed last week just for this event). So I come back to the bar and the guys are still fighting and at this point I start listening and I hear it's about money and that's when I decide to ignore them cause I don't have any money anyway and I just want to watch my game, you know?

INTERVIEWER: Yes, I do. What happened then?

MAC: Well I sat down, took a beer, started watching some guys lifting, you know, they were pretty hot.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, so you like guys Mac?

MAC: Yeah, I'm gay, Ben.

INTERVIEWER: Cheers, mate. Likewise!

MAC: Really? I don't see it.

INTERVIEWER: Lets go back to the story! What happened to the TV?

MAC: Well, Dee happened! That bitch, sorry, so, that...Dee... comes to the TV with a baseball bat and starts smashing it. Of course I freak out, everybody starts freaking out but she says,  stone cold : - I'll pay you for this later.

INTERVIEWER: Wow.

MAC: Right? Those are people I'm friends with! Anyway I start freaking out even harder and then I ask my friends what the hell was that about. Dee's already gone, Frank's dead drunk and no help, Dennis is pissed as I am and Charlie's explanation is: - It's commercial's time.  – Insane, right? We all look at him: - So? What the hell is that got anything to do with us?

INTERVIEWER: Language, Mac, please. And?

MAC: And he says something like: - Dee's really emotional about the commercials.

INTERVIEWER: What? Why?

MAC: I don't know, man, who even knows with chicks anymore. I guess she's sad cause  nobody wants to watch her on TV. (laughter) Anyway, I'm still very upset and there's no time to get a new TV, you know, so my best friend Dennis says we should all do our annual bar crawl tonight.

INTERVIEWER: Oh you have an official annual bar crawl?

MAC: We sure do! It's a very special tradition for us. You see, every year we choose a day when we go to every single pub in Philly for a drink and get really wasted, you know. Usually we choose January the first cause we don't want to wait a second more but this year my friend Dennis was not there and we wouldn't do it without him, you know?

INTERVIEWER: Yeah, yeah.

MAC: Cause it's all about friendship, you know? (Silence)

INTERVIEWER: So how exactly did you end up naked, Mac?

MAC: It's not all how it says in the news, OK? Here's how it went. So me and Charlie, we had this place, you know, since we were kids? We used to play outside on school nights until morning cause our parents weren't around and whatnot, we were happy kids. Free. And there was this street lamp, which we always loved. When we first got drunk we climbed there and we all had to lick the light bulb as a dare, you know how it goes, right?

INTERVIEWER: I don't actually.

MAC: And that's the place where we always end our bar crawl. Like I said, tradition. So we get there, you know, pretty wasted, Phillies lost and we're all sad and then I remember what could cheer me up. Licking the light bulb! So I turned to Charlie to remind him of how we used to climb there but when I look around, Charlie's not there! There's just Dennis. And he's wasted! We sometimes argue a lot and we forget there are other people around us, but that's just Dennis and me. We're like that. So I sit down, let Dennis sleep on my lap cause he's drunk, you know, can't let a friend sleep on the cold ground and get a cold or something. And I'm lost as fuck, the ground's turning around and when I look up there's Charlie and Dee! And they don't see me and they start hugging and I'm about to freak out man, why is he hugging freaking Dee? She's terrible! And she's speaking about how we'll find out about something and that she's ashamed and bla bla bla. I just want it to end. And then she sees me and slaps Charlie and I'm relieved, you know, cause it's all back to normal. And she goes away and Charlie comes back laughing and decides to steal the street lamp because he wants to put it in our bar. He's the best guy.

INTERVIEWER: So it's your friend Charlie who stole the lamp, and not you?

MAC: No, no, no, no, you're not listening, OK, I'm about to go to the good part. (Pause) It's not that easy to steal a lamp you know, cause there's all these wires and everything and there are too many people there and you kinda want to keep these things quiet? So I wake Dennis up and he's OK now, I made sure of that, and I call Frank. That's Dennis' and Dee's father. Well, almost. But that's another story. OK, so I call him cause he has all these connections and everything. And he sends us some creepy dude with some tools. The guy's all quiet and we start freaking out because Charlie thinks he's a vampire, he's serious about these things. But the guy leaves the tools and just goes. Weird, right? So Charlie starts climbing and I start cheering, cause you got to support a friend, always, and he's right there when we hear a voice. It's the security guard!

INTERVIEWER: Nice.

MAC: And we thought for a moment - It's the police! But then Dennis started sweet talking cause that guy's the best and everyone thinks so but we're still all tense as shit. And then Dennis starts laughing like crazy and we're all like: - What, Dennis, are you crazy? That's a policeman. - And he shows us the security guard's badge and says to him, dead serious: - You're not the police of anything, get the fuck out! -  The guy's all scared and we start laughing, Charlie starts barking like a dog, it's mad as shit and this guy! You know what he did?

INTERVIEWER: Umm, no?

MAC: He ran away like crazy. That's my friend Dennis. He's the best.

INTERVIEWER: I see.

MAC: So Frank keeps calling because he wants to be in on this, right, he wants that lamp in our bar really bad now. I guess he's pretty wasted too, I don't know, we left him in some bar right away. Dennis keeps saying:- Don't worry, Frank, it's all a part of the plan. And I don't get what plan he's talking about, OK, he never explained but I don't care cause it's probably something awesome because Dennis is really awesome. So Charlie, he's our janitor and our best bud, hi, Charlie, if you're listening! Charlie starts doing something, something with wires, he probably got electrocuted once or twice, he does that sometimes. And suddenly, there it is! It's ours! He managed to cut the head of the lamp. So now it's our time to run.

(Pause)

Now I know you're all wondering how did we intend to, like, leave with the lamp and all? Well our bar's pretty close and it was not that heavy and people don't give a fuck about what you do at three in the morning, if you know what I mean? And we're right outside when Dennis shouts: - Hey Charlie, get that lamp inside, Mac and I are going for a drink!

INTERVIEWER: Mac, language! Why did he want to go to drink again?

MAC: I don't know, man. But like, when he mentioned beer I was already on board, you know, cause it was a bar crawl night and we were all still pretty sober? I can't have that. It's not right. So we leave, we tell Charlie where to find us, we drink a beer or two...

INTERVIEWER: Or fifty.

MAC: Yeah, yeah. And when I wake up and there are like three cops around me, I'm on a bench in the park, butt naked and I'm holding a Mets jersey.

INTERVIEWER: Isn't that like the worst thing you could be holding that night? With the game result and all?

MAC: The cops thought so too, man. They took me in, questioned me. I told them about the lamp, hell, I told them about the guy I had a crush in high school when I wasn't even gay, you know?

INTERVIEWER (laughter): Well, I think you were probably gay in high school, too.

(Pause)

MAC: No. Anyway. I get the cops to finally let me go and they're okay with that but only if I wear a Mets jersey. These guys went to high school with me and Charlie so they hate my guts. And I go to the bar, dressed like that, people literary throw stones at me and I get inside and I swear that I'll never leave the bar, ever in my life.

INTERVIEWER: Wow, Mac, I'm sorry. You probably deserve it, though.

MAC: Yeah. I should have gone naked outside.

INTERVIEWER: No that's not why I said that... I was thinking more about the naked thing... and robbery....

MAC: You're right tho. I betrayed the Phillies. I deserve it.

INTERVIEWER (sighing): So how did you get the idea to come to the show, then?

MAC: Well I swore  never to leave the bar again, you know, so I wasn't planning on anything.

INTERVIEWER: So who did?

MAC: My friend Dennis.

INTERVIEWER: He's a fan of the show?

MAC: Yeah, he listens to it like every morning.

INTERVIEWER: What did he say?

MAC: He said: - Mac, you did something horrible. I don't know how you ended up naked, I don't remember anything but Charlie and I ended up in a bar, not wearing Mets jersey like traitors. Now you, you're not a real Phillies fan if you don't go down to the radio and say you're sorry to every other fan.

INTERVIEWER: Just that?

MAC: Yeah. And he was right you know. I made a mistake. I don't know how but I did. And here it comes: - I'm sorry to Philadelphia Phillies who only did the best for me all my life. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry to all Phillies fans because you guys are the best. I'm in the Paddy's Pub all the time, you can come beat my ass any time you want. And I'm sorry Chase Utley. You're my hero and I love you. Forever.

INTERVIEWER: I don't think Chase Utley's listening, Mac, if I'm honest.

MAC: Oh, it doesn't matter. I wrote him a letter too. He'll know.

INTERVIEWER (pause): OK...Mac.. Thank you for coming to the show.

MAC: Thank you for having me.

INTERVIEWER: I understand it's your birthday too?

MAC: Yeah. Not a happy one, though, Ben.

INTERVIEWER: Happy birthday, anyway! You know how we give presents to our fans on their birthday?

MAC: No? Cause I'm not a fan of your show? Sorry, bro. It's too early for me.

INTERVIEWER (laughing): That's OK, Mac. We're gonna give you a present anyway, cause that was one hell of the story. You're gonna meet Chase Utley!

MAC: What?

INTERVIEWER: Yeah, Mac. Chase is visiting in two days and we're giving one lucky fan a chance to meet him and go to a dinner with him.

MAC: A dinner? With Chase? (squeal) This is fucking insane, man. I'm gonna freak out if you're lying to me!

INTERVIEWER: You betcha! I guess you have your friend Dennis to thank for that.

MAC: Dennis? How?

INTERVIEWER: Well we've been talking about that every morning on our show. Didn't he say anything?

MAC: No.

INTERVIEWER: Well, he was probably planning on giving you something special for you birthday, then. Happy birthday, Mac!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know anything about baseball. Or Philadelphia. If Google's lied to me then I'm lying to you and I'm sorry.


	5. Dee Reynolds: A Study In Character

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short story about what happens in Dee's mind when she wakes up after a crazy night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I try to write all the chapters as IASIP episodes I treat this not as a chapter but a prequel of a chapter because I really wanted to make something entirely about Dee's thoughts and feelings and, sadly, that's just not how an episode would go. 
> 
> Anyway, this is something I needed badly and it's actually pretty sad. Just a warning.

There's something different about waking up on the floor today. At first Dee can't figure out what it is. Is it too cold? Did Charlie forget to wipe the tiles? Is she lying in someone's puke? Is she sick? Is she even at the bar at all? Her eyes are slowly opening but, like on most days, she wants to keep sleeping cause life is only gonna get worse from that point on, isn't it?

Turns out, when she opens her eyes finally, she's actually behind the bar, as she expected. Good. She stares at the familiar circle of mold on the ceiling.

Now what did they do last night?

_Remember._

There was a party. That's good. Parties are fun. Unless Cricket sets himself on fire. Again. But that turned out fine, didn't it? He was back on his legs really fast and he even found some guy to suck off. Nice.

Next. Dennis. (What was the party even about? She remembers some things, it was actually a bachelorette party, guys probably loved that. Are the girls fine? Yeah, they left in their limo, neither of the guys went with them. Good. That's good.) She remembers that Dennis didn't even try to score. What was he drinking? Juice with vodka? What is he, sick?

She can hardly sit. Her butt hurts. There's a sudden fear in her eyes. Did she? No! Naaah. Okay, that's good. There are certain things she's not happy to do with any guy and butt stuff are almost all of them.

Is Charlie fine, then? She remembers Charlie dancing. That was fun. He was happy. She likes when Charlie's happy. She also loves when he stays away from women who hate him. When he's not a sexist creep he's actually a pretty sweet guy. Yeah, Charlie's fine too.  He went with Frank home. 

And Mac? Did he go with that guy? That handsome, handsome piece of meat? Oooooh, if he did Dennis will freak out. Even if he can't quite figure out why.

They are all such dumbasses, it's amazing.

Of course, there are some things all the guys will never understand.

Charlie? He'll never understand what is like to be like other people. Normal people. He's just spent too much time in the sewer to be considered normal in any circle of people. He spends too much time with Frank. He's seen too much. He will never be able to fit in with others.

Mac? He'll never understand women, not just because he's gay cause there are some gay guys who do their best to get to know women better. No, Mac will never understand women cause he's too ashamed to even try. Is he scared that he'll become feminine? Twink twank twunk or however he named his fear of being feminine on that day.  

And Dennis? He's her twin so she sometimes feels his pain. No matter how disturbed he is Dennis will always be her brother who worried about her when she was sick and sad. Dennis will never understand the love others have for him. His brain, so fast to come up with a terrible solution that only gets them in more trouble is just too slow to accept love. Not even when it's right in front of him.

_Stop. Why was she like this? Why did she always care when she was drunk?_

_Remember._

It was Saturday. 8 o'clock. Where were the assholes? Oh right, Dennis was smashing some bottles because Mac sent him a message that he's not coming home that night. Frank was the only one who was interested in watching Dennis do it. Everybody else was kinda used to his tantrums. Did her brother even know why all that bothered him? Probably not. What was his train of thought, actually? Mac is with some guy – Mac is leaving me – I must keep Mac. Why were all the guys like that? She watches her brother loose sleep and his mind, slowly, trying to figure out how to keep his best friend, all the while completely unaware that he's in love. And probably gay.

Was it so impossible for Dennis to be gay? Actually, no. He doesn't like women. Yeah, he likes to come inside them. He likes the power their devotion gives him. He likes to be able to brag about banging every girl who was ever in the bar but Dee knows a  big part of the thrill he feels is in watching Mac react to his conquests. In a gang of guys completely unattached to the real world her brother had it worst.

The girls came then, wearing pink shirts and white tulle skirts. They were all happy, skinny, perfect. Dee's first instinct is to make them go away. Not just because she's jealous. It's for their own good, really. They are too pretty. Too perfect. At least Dennis won't be able to resist the urge and bother them all night. At best he'll piss one of them really badly and she'll make a scene. Call the cops. Make a report. At worst, one of them will actually like him and fall in love with a man who so obviously doesn't need a female love interest. But that's not Dee's business today. No way in hell. Dee is cool. Dee is older and she's seen it all in life. Dee could teach these girls a lesson or two about how to survive in the world where every man you meet secretly hates you. No, it doesn't matter if they laugh at her, at her dirty jeans and floppy hair. That shit only pisses her off for a minute.

-So what do you girls wanna drink? – She asks. They ask for beer which only makes Dee look them more. It's not a usual bachelorette party, is it? Cause there are two girls wearing I'M THE BRIDE shirt. Now that's gonna properly piss Dennis off.

Dee sighs loudly.  Girls who like girls. They always made her happy and sad. 

One of the girls tried to flirt with her the whole night. She hated it. Not because the girl was bothering her, in fact, she loved everything about her pretty face and long fingers. It was the way the girl made her feel, happy and ashamed at once. Charlie wolf whistled when they spoke. Dennis mentioned his god damn creepy video tapes. That asshole is so far up his own ass that he can't comprehend how wrong it is to talk about videotaping his own sister with a girl. Incestous? Not so much. He's just a bunch of vanity, hiding poorly how broken he actually is by the abuse. 

Dee doesn't even know how to react when someone honestly likes her. Laugh? No, better, giggle! Act all modest and shit. But that's reserved only for guys, right, cause they like to see her flustered and small. How do you even flirt with a girl?

Turns out the girl is quite the fighter. She almost smashes a beer bottle on Frank's head when he tries to lift her skirt. Her name is Cate and Dee recognizes a fellow schemer as soon as she sees one. Later she's proven right cause the girl can't keep her mouth shut when she drinks a whiskey. Cate admits she's a thief and that she steels from men who make her feel like she owes them something in this life. She asks Dee why she allows the guys to treat her like that.

Here we go. Her old : - Oh come on, they're just like that, - does't work like it used to. You can't just say that to people. Cause they start asking questions: - How do you, a girl, live like that? They are all pigs! (Why? Cause a girl can't be a pig too? My guy, it's so much easier when you live with people who don't care about how you smell. In fact, they forget I'm a girl so many times that I feel both flattered and sad at the same time.) – But don't you get tired of this life? You must want something else! (No? I love my life. I could, you know, go away, steal their money and just start the car, New York is close, the world is there to see. No, I don't want that. There's a whole world to see here, in Philly. And some day I will go. But  I will go away carried by someone with very big muscles or go down in the blaze of glory, cause I'm Dee Reynolds and my life is already legendary!)

Dee is a result of parental abuse and growing up in the most unwelcoming environment one could imagine, confused about everything in her life except about the fact that her whole life is under the direct influence of five men that she both hates and loves to death. Frank is The Money. And God knows he has a lot of it. Dennis is The Brain and he takes so much pride in that fact that he forgets to think about his own life anymore. He lets his mental illness creep in and sometimes she thinks he'll never get better. Charlie is The Funny Guy but not by his choice cause if it was Charlie's to choose he'd choose normal over funny any day. Mac is The Glue of the group, the one whose well being was always the most important to everyone although they all love to fake hate him. And where was Dee in all that? Cause she was right there, since the moment Dennis opened his eyes, since the moment they all met and decided to stay away from the world in a small place they created to protect themselves. They were all smart enough to understand what kept them together and jerkish enough to pretend like Dee was never a part of The Gang to begin with. But she was always there, slipping into their every plan like it was made to include her from the beginning. Sure, it meant being humiliated a couple of times but it was all worth it. She got what she always wanted. A place in The Gang while the most private things about her life were always hidden perfectly.

_Wake up, Dee. Wake up._

_And she does._

Isn't it like this almost every morning now? She wakes up in the bar, sometimes Charlie touches her gently with a wet broom, sometimes a dog comes inside and licks her face. During the week she forgets to go home and instead spends days and days behind the bar, until she stinks too bad to handle.

Dennis call her pathetic. Charlie ignores her. Mac acts like he never liked her at all. And Frank? Well she gave up on feeling anything about her almost father when she entered her teenage years. Sometimes she feels pathetic, mostly because she's tired of playing the same game all her life. But she's too old to stop now.

You see, Dee was always known for one thing only. She was a bad actress. It was obvious since she was a child. She could never pretend that she's a nice girl. She could never be a smooth talker like her brother. She was never the prettiest or the smartest and people loved to forget about pretty blondes who were not interesting enough cause there was a thousand of them just around the corner. It was known to everyone, always, that Dee can't pretend for shit. And that was her biggest success in life. Cause she managed to trick them. All of them. Her bitch mother who told her she's not pretty enough even though Dee had mirror in her room and courage to look at it. Her fuck up of a father who missed every single opportunity to become someone and found a place in the biggest group of losers who wanted to have him. Her classmates who only saw her as a monster because she had health problems she couldn't possibly have control over.  Her boyfriends who took pride in thinking they've ruined her for life while all the time she was the one who fucked them and made them go away when she was bored.

She wanted to never study and still get a job. She got that. She wanted to be close to her brother and friends with his friends cause they rejected her since she was a child and there they were, telling her they loved her every time they were too fucked up to keep being in control. She created a life she loved although being openly a terrible person had some consequences. A lot of them. She was not afraid of being terrible to others, that's not it at all. She was only afraid that she will not get a chance to do something that she really wanted. Was she selfish? Insensitive? Yes. And yes. But she was also a woman and women were never allowed to be selfish. Women are supposed to care, to give, to nurture. That was not for her. If going down in full glory meant being a man then she will fuck up every man's life to get what she wants, god damn it.

Cate kissed her, then. - Do you want to go and have a crazy life of crime with me? – Cate asked her and there was it, a chance to get away. She looked at the guys, at the bar around her. No, she was not ready yet. 

_Good, you're awake. Stay like that for a while._

Cate's long gone now and Dee feels lonely, again. It's a terrible itch that just doesn't go away no matter how old she gets. So what if she wants to drink her life away? There are worse ways to live and there are certainly many worse ways to die.

When the guys come back she spits visibly so that everyone can be properly grossed out and reminds them: - Tomorrow is Dee day, bitches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I couldn't make Dee an actual happy lesbian that I'd gladly write an entire AU dedicated to that. I'm a lesbian and I do love to think all my favorite characters like women too, even when there's nothing in canon to support it.  
> Anyway, I think it would be amazing for Dee too to realize she's gay, especially because of how she was treated by men all her life. I don't think the writers will have courage for that but that's why we, fanfiction writers, are here.
> 
> tumblr: @deeslaviclesbian


	6. Dee Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For one day it’s all about Dee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special warnings for ableist language.

_I'm a classic man_

_You can be mean when you look this clean, I'm a classic man_

_Calling on me like a young OG, I'm a classic man_

_Your needs get met by the street, elegant old fashioned man_

_Yeah baby I'm a classic man_

This is obviously torture. Someone should come and shoot Dennis straight in the face and he’d be saying _thanks_ with his last, dying breath. Dee is dancing, yes, she is doing something that someone very drugged would call dancing. _Classic Man_ is playing for the thirteenth time and not only that, she is actually juggling! Of all the stupid things this woman has come up with to make them loose their minds, this just might be the worst one.

They are not allowed to protest. They are not allowed to do anything else but follow Dee’s lead today. It’s been officially Dee Day for 9 hours now and it’s already the worst day since the world was created.

-Ooops, there it goes.  – She yells playfully when she drops down a bottle. – Shoot! Wow! Wow, did you guys see that? OK, I’m amazing! I’m officially amazing.

Dennis is starring at his sister and that stare that would probably make someone weaker cry. Mac is pretending he’s watching carefully while typing a message on his phone under the table. Obviously he’s so into what he’s doing that he unable to even laugh at what Dennis is saying. It makes Dennis crazy so he keeps looking at Mac and Dee with about the same amount of disgust. Charlie’s on all fours, looking for his favorite tube of glue somewhere under Dennis’ chair. Frank looks like he’s found enlightenment, completely out of everything, calm.

-Are we done now? Dee? Are we done?

-Why, Dennis? Am I boring you with my mad skills?

-You do not have skills, Dee! You are moving the same two bottles from one hand to another for an hour now! You can’t juggle! That’s not juggling! Those are the moves of a crazy person!

-Dennis, I’d like you more if you danced. Listen to these tuuuuunes, baby boy!

-Yeah, I did listen. The same song is also playing for an hour. What even is this song? You’re not a well-dressed black man, Dee, this song is not for you. – He adds a very silent _you bitch._

-Yeah, good catch there, brother, - she says with an eye roll.

-So, where are we going? – Mac asks, putting his phone away with a smile and Dennis shoots him a very serious look. -Did you seriously think we won’t notice?

-Notice what? – Mac asks, confused.

-What? What, he asks! – Dennis smiles, getting angrier. Charlie groans. – He takes us for fools, doesn’t he? He types and types and flirts and giggles like a girl. Ha ha ha, I’m so funny.

-Hey, Dennis, stop, - Mac says gently. 

-Oh I’ll stop! I’ll stop when I’m finally free of this crazy person! Why did we even start these events? Dee Day! Who came up with this shit? To think that I should listen to you fools…

-You came up with it Dennis! – Mac says before Dee can say anything. -  Yeah, you needed us to go stalk some guy  who you thought murdered his wife. You said you wanted to see her dead eyes! I remember! We didn’t want to do it so you made us. You said and I quote: “You guys, you gotta do this cause it’s Dennis day” and when I asked: “What’s a Dennis day?” you said “It’s the day when you all listen to what I say and do what I tell you!”. And ‘course we agreed to do it cause you promised us all a day. And then…

-Well, - Dennis answers, obviously remembering right then, - I am the smartest and it was a good idea then. I just don’t think we should do it anymore now that…

-Shut up, Dennis! – Charlie surprises them all by shouting. –Dee! Where are we going? Should I change my shirt, what’s the plan here? - He puts the glue back in the bag, getting ready to sniff it.

-Why yes, Charlie, - she says with a smile, - you _should_ change! In fact you should get your best suit cause we’re going places today.

***

 

-I don’t understand why we’re here. – Charlie says, with a frown. They are standing in front of his mother’s house, wearing their suits, all of them, even Dee who got herself a matching black suit. She looks amazing although Mac's got to say something about her looking done like a Christmas turkey.

-Oh your mother called me a few days ago. I thought it would be fun to have breakfast with her today.

-Why would you think that? – Dennis asks.

– Yeah! - Charlie agrees.

-No, Dee, - Mac adds, - it won’t be fun. Cause my mom is in there too and I’ not talking to her right now.

-What did you do? – Dennis asks with a smile.

-Nothing! – Mac answers. – She told me she hated me. Again. And I might have called her a bitch.

-Geez, - Dennis rolls his eyes, - how’s she gonna survive _that?_ \- Of course, this is when they start arguing and start calling each other dicks. It's an everyday thing. Dee ignores them and goes straight to ring the bell, fixing her hair.

Frank too has some issues with going into that house, that issues being somehow connected to him who had sex with Charlie’s mom multiple times and possibly is the father of her son.

When Charlie says: - Frank, I’m not going there without you, - Frank, of course, decides to ask him for something in return. – Fine, but I get that spot in the big trash can under the bridge.

-No Frank, you can’t have the spot, it’s my spot! It's gonna make us the best snake oil in the town.

-Well, you said I can’t have your mother too and I still banged her two times. _And_ she gave me a handjob.

Charlie’s pissed. -Why you little... sad...man…

-Come on, you guys, - Dennis approaches them calmly. – Don’t fight. There’s no need to fight. We only need to be nice to Dee for a couple more hours and then we’ll leave her somewhere in a ditch and have some rum and coke. – He then adds silently.  - Okay? Don’t ruin this for me.

Mac's with him on that.

-Come on, you guys, Bonnie’s waiting. – Dee calls them. They follow.

Half an hour later they’re eating sausage and eggs with tea and Charlie’s mother is bothering him as usual, trying to fix his hair and his shirt and his shoelaces.

 -Now Charlie, honey, you should comb your hair more, it does look a bit messy, doesn’t it?

They all stare at her. Underneath the suit Charlie’s wearing the same underwear he had since high school. His dirty tank top is visible underneath his white shirt.

-Mom, stop. I’m fine.

-You were such a pretty baby. So chubby. I don’t know what changed, honestly, Charlie. When I was your age, men used to have their shirts ironed and tidy and…

-Well, when you were my age you used to think that you’re a Rolling Stones groupie just because you slept with all their bodyguards.

-Charlie, you really shouldn’t be talking like that to your mother…

-Why, mom? It’s not like these guys don’t know you. They’ve seen you bang Frank. We've all seen you!

-I especially know you really good, - Franks adds with a wink. – We did some serious shit together, - he then explains. - Twice.

Bonnie blushes and smiles. Mac’s mom laughs and immediately starts coughing.

-Why are you laughing, ha? – Charlie jumps. – I remember when I was seven and you left your son for five hours in the sun in front of the store. It was like a 100 degrees outside!

-Charlie, - Mac protests, - come on, don’t talk to my mom like that!

-Why? Cause she’s gonna care? She doesn’t care, Mac, she never cared about anything in her…

-Shut up, Charlie, - now Mac is on his feet too, - my mom cares. She cares like all the time!

-About what, crack? – Frank adds. Mac throws a teacup at him. It hits a wall behind him but Frank’s still terrified.

-My son is a disappointment, just like his father, - Mac’s mom says and keeps smoking like it was nothing. Mac stares at her and doesn’t say a word.

-Oh, Frank, like you’re a father of the year!-  Charlie adds, now on fire.

-I was a great father!- he answers. Dennis and Dee look at him.

-A what? – Dennis says loudly, with disgust.

\- Come on, Dennis,- Frank continues, -  I know I made some mistakes. But you’re not even my children at all and I took care of you!

-You thought we were your children! You were sure of that at the time! And you took me and Dee in the cabin for a week for some father-son, father-daughter boding time and shit and you left us there alone for five days because you forgot about us! And because you were busy banging our mom’s best friend!

-Well your mother never came to look for you! And you were old enough to take care of yourself!

-We were ten, Frank, you god damn bastard, I hate you!

-I’m taking this, - Charlie shouts and grabs plates full of food. – And this, and this, and this! – He’s now holding all the plates and the tablecloth and somehow a wooden duck. Grease is dripping from his hands. – Cause I don’t have plates in my apartment! And I hate you, mom! – He says and leaves the house. The others follow in hurry.

-Dee, this is the worst idea in your life, - Mac adds when they’re out of the house. Behind them Charlie’s mom is screaming and throwing things at the wall.

 

***

 -You guys, I have a surprise!

\- Shut up, Dee, you fucking bitch, - Frank shouts. Nobody looks at her.

\- But it’s a really good surprise.

\- We don’t care, Dee, - shouts Mac.

\- Well, I got some strippers! - she sings. They all turn around.

They are at the bar again, still wearing their ridiculous suits cause it’s still Dee day and it’s her request. Charlie’s eyes are red like he’s been crying and Mac is covering his whole face with his hands.

-For us? – Dennis smiles gently.

-Yeah, - Dee smiles, looking angelic. 

The strippers come inside.

-Hi Mac, - says the first one, a handsome blonde.

-Hi, Cindy, - he responds with a smile.

-Hi Mac! Oh, Frank you’re here too, - says the second one, a black girl named Frankie.

-Hi Mac, hi Charlie, - smiles the third one, another blonde. – Fuck you, Frank.

-How do you know every stripper in Philadelphia? – Dennis turns around to ask Mac.

-I’ve been around, - he answers, avoiding Dennis’ look. The girls smile again.

-Sorry, Mac, I couldn’t get a male one in such a short notice. But I owe you one, - Dee says. Mac smiles.

Dennis sits beside Cindy. – Hello, - he says seductively. Frank is on the other end of the table, already trying to hug Frankie.

Dee stops them: -Now I know you guys are really into this but I’ve payed these girls to spend some time with us with only one request.

-What request? - Dennis says, still starring at Cindy’s boobs.

-They are all payed to give one lap dance but only to the guy they choose.

-What? – Dennis says. - But they are…strippers! I pay them to like me!

\- I know but this seemed like so much more fun, am I right, girls?

They smile.

-OK, I’m not afraid, - Dennis says and gets up. They all watch him take his shirt off for the second time that day, for some reason. – Ladies, which one of you will go first?

-OK, I choose Mac, - Cindy says and gets up to hug Mac.

-Me too, - Frankie and Bobby add and move away from Frank.

-What? But he’s gay! – Dennis looks horrified.

-I am gay, - Mac adds with a shrug.

-Still, maybe you’d like a dance anyway? You liked them before? – Frankie and Bobby are now almost begging.

-OK, then I’ll go with the dirty one, - Cindy says after a pause and looks at Charlie.

-Oh come on! You’d take Charlie over me? – Dennis asks, angry.

-All right, all right, all right - says Charlie with a smile, obviously happy with himself.

-I don’t do it cause I like it, - Cindy warns him. - I just don’t want to be near these other creeps.

-Charlie is a creep! – Dennis shouts. – The biggest one.

-No I’m not Dennis! You’re the idiot! And your nipples are small and scary!

-My nipples are the perfect size.

-You have no feelings! - Charlie screams.

\- Shut up, Charlie, you degenerate toilet person! – Dennis’ shout is now really loud. He's obviously extremely angry.

After that there’s only silence.

-OK, I’m out, - Frankie says and turns to go.

-Me too. Wait for me, - Bobby says.

-Yeah, thanks Dee, but I’ll pass. – Cindy rolls her eyes. - See you at the book club?

\- Yeah, yeah, see you Friday, - Dee high fives her and then they leave.

-Dennis, you really should apologize to Charlie. – Frank says with a serious face.

-Yeah, you’re way over the line, - Mac adds. Charlie looks like he’s waiting for an apology.

-Are you all serious? Ha? Are you? I will not apologize to anyone, that’s my right as a man, as an American, to never…

-Now you’re only speaking out of your ass, - says Frank.

-Yeah, I’m not a toilet person, Dennis. – Charlie adds. – You’re a man with no feelings. And everyone hates you. 

Dennis looks seriously hurt.

-Yeah, I’m gonna go, - Mac then says.

-What? – Dennis says slowly. His voice is changed.

-I have plans.

-Plans? What plans could you possibly have?

-That’s not your business, Dennis, I told you.

-Go! Go! Fucking go now Mac or I swear I’ll slit your throat with the first sharp thing I get my hands on.

-Jesus, - Frank says to Dennis when Mac’s gone. – What’s your problem, Dennis?

-You! You’re my problem! You absolute shit excuse for a man!

-You know what his problem really is, though, Frank? – Dee says, twirling a straw between her fingers. They all turn around to look at her. She was uncharacteristically quiet all this time.

-Shut up, you bitch. – Dennis says but she ignores her.

-My little brother is jealous. – She turns to look at him. – Oh but he really doesn’t know that, does he? She’s jealous because Mac got out and got himself a boyfriend and now Dennis is all alone.

They all expect Dennis to do something. He stands still. –You absolute bitch. You did this all on purpose.

-Of course I did.

-What? – Frank asks.

But Dee is furious: -You all forgot that I too get a Dee Day every year! We do Frank and Dennis and then Charlie and Mac. And when it’s my time to have a day you all fuckers come up with some excuse. Now, this year I’ve come prepared!

-Your day sucked! – Frank add. - We didn't have any fun!

-Yeah, it sucked for you!  I had the time of my life! I got a free suit from you, Frank, you cheap fuck, even though you didn’t want to get me one for my prom! I got Charlie to tell her mom that he hates her which will drive her insane cause you know how she calls me? That blonde crack whore! _She_ calls _me_ a whore! And she made Charlie stand outside the house while she was having sex with god knows who! And you know what? I got you all bastards to see what is like to be Dee for one day!

-How is this being like you, oh for God’s sake? – Dennis asks.

-How? How? You all dressed up and looked nice and you still couldn’t get someone to choose you first! You spent some time with your awful parents who hate you like I have to do, every day of my life. And you all told each other how much you hate your fucking best friends, like you do _to me_ every fucking day!

Her eyes were never this big.

-You planned…all of this? - Dennis asks.

-Yes, - she adds, now more calm. Charlie stares at her, the words have left him.

-I’ve never been so proud of you, sis, - Dennis says, honestly amazed.

-Me too, - says Frank with a nod. – Good job, Dee.

-Yeah, you’re amazing, - Charlie agrees. - I wish I remembered to do something like that on Charlie Day.

-Really? – She giggles. – Really?

-Yeah! But we're not doing these days again. Here, Dee. Have a beer with us! – Dennis says and grabs a beer for everyone. Charlie pats him on the shoulder and takes the bottle.

-I’m sorry for saying these things, man. – Dennis says. – I shouldn’t have said you’re a degenerate in front of these hot strippers. I don't think that. And I'll pay you a lap dance.

-Nah, - Charlie says, - I’m not really into that right now. Just want my beer.

Frank sits on Charlie’s other side and leans his head on him, clenching his bottle.

-Where’s Mac gone? – Charlie asks.

-To meet some guy named Ben in a small place called "Giovanni's". – Dennis says and takes a gulp of beer.

-Wow! He told you that? – Dee asks, surprised.

-Of course not. I read his messages all the time.

\- Sorry, man. – Charlie says. - Wanna go stalk him?

-No, - Dennis says with a sigh. - We should go to the strip club, tho.

-I’m not really interested in that right now. - Charlie says. Frank nods.

-Yeah, no shit. -Dee says. - But still, lets go there. If we stay here someone’s gonna come to the bar and ask for something to drink and we’re gonna have to work and clean up and stay here and...

-Yeah, lets go, - Dennis says and he’s already on his feet.

-Yup, - Charlie and Frank say and in a  second they’re already at the door. 

 

***

_I'm a classic man_

_You can be mean when you look this clean, I'm a classic man_

_Calling on me like a young OG, I'm a classic man_

_Your needs get met by the street, elegant old fashioned man_

_Yeah baby I'm a classic man_

 

The music coming from Dee’s apartment is enough to make Dennis almost give up and go back but Mac pushes him to go forward. They knock.

Dee opens her door in her bathrobe. - What?

-Dee why do you have this sex music when you’re obviously alone in there? – Dennis asks her. - That's so sad.

-What do you fuckers want?

-Well, Dee, Dennis told me what you said and we wanted to say we’re sorry and to ask you to please give as your popcorn bowl cause we want to watch a movie.

-Will you shits ever get your own things?

-No, Dee.

-Yeah, cause it’s more fun to take yours, - Mac adds, like it's obvious.

-Fine, - she says with a sigh and goes to fetch them a bowl. – There you go! What are you fuckers watching anyway?

-Rambo 4, - Dennis says and there’s an honest happiness in his eyes, - Mac is going to do his best Stallone voice and I’m gonna be the damsel in distress who’s actually a guy, but not in a gay way and… - Dee slams the door in his face.

The song is still playing when she goes inside and picks up a couple of dirty pieces of clothing from the floor.

-Are they gone? - Charlie asks, standing completely naked in her living room with a peeled banana.

-Yeah, Charlie, don’t you see? Or else they'd be here.

But he’s still standing there, munching on his banana. – D’ya think they know? – He says and it’s barely understandable.

-Yeah, it’s completely obvious to them that I’m banging you for a month now.

-Really? – He asks. His eyes are widely open. 

Dee looks at him for a moment like she can't quite believe what she's just heard. Then she pushes Charlie further into the room and closes the door of her bedroom behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry.


	7. The Gang Has Gold Fever, Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gang tries to get a map to the pirate's gold.

AFTER MIDNIGHT

 

The water is splashing under Mac's feet and he's running for his life. Behind him Dennis is running too, stopping only to catch a breath for a moment. They are both wearing expensive looking 18th century suits and white shoes, now completely covered in mud. They arrive at the bar and enter, almost smashing the door upon entrance. Dee is already inside, her hair disheveled. She's wearing a black gown and holding a sword and a bottle.

-Charlie and Frank? – she asks.

-Gone, - Mac shakes his head.

-God help their souls, - Dee says, empties a bottle and smashes it.

-All for the gold, - says Mac and smashes his bottle.

-It is what it has to be, - says Dennis and smashes his own too.

-Guys, we're gonna go down fighting, - Dee says and holds up a sword. 

-Dee, they're coming! We don't have the time! – Dennis looks terrified.

-Guys, we're gonna die, - Mac says and hides behind Dee.

There's a noise coming from the outside, it sounds like many people running and yelling. They form a line. Dee still holds a sword and Mac and Dennis stand with iron fire pokers in their hands.

-Guys, about this night, I always wanted to tell you something, - Dennis says. His hands are trembling.

-Shut up, Dennis, don't say something stupid just because you're dying. - Dee says, irritated.

-Yeah, there's no time anyway, - says Mac. He looks pissed now.

-But I....

Dennis' words are lost as someone comes inside and he starts screaming.

 

11 AM

\- Ghouls, - says Charlie and Frank rolls his eyes. They are walking from their apartment to the bar and arguing.

  
\- You don't know what ghouls are supposed to look like! Nobody knows! How are you gonna be dressed like a ghoul? Ha?

  
-Frank I don't think you're giving this the respect it deserves, OK? Ghouls are amazing creatures, hiding in the graveyards, forever in the dark. Now they eat human flesh but they say it's the most nutritious food there is, so...

Frank opens he door of the bar. Something inside explodes.

-Jesus fuck, what was that? – Frank yells and they rush inside. They see Dee, her face covered in coal.

-Oh God damn it, - she says, - we've ruined it.

-No, Dee! - Dennis' face is now visible behind the smoke. – We got it!

-What are you guys doing? – Charlie asks them. They are all covered with something black and oily.

-Oh we were trying to melt some iron, - says Mac simply.

-You can't do that here, - Frank yells, - are you insane? There's a whole distillery down there! And some other things too! You were gonna kill us all!

-No worries, Frank, we did not kill everyone. – Dennis calms him down. - We got what we wanted. – Then he shows Frank something that looks like a slightly curved stick.

-What the hell is that?

-Well, Frank, I'm glad you asked, - Dennis says. – This is an 18th century work of art, a fire poker worth 150 thousand dollars!

-Yeah man, no, I'm pretty sure that's a piece of iron me and Frank fished from the river last month, - Charlie corrects him.

-Well it is _now_ , - Dennis explains. – But in a couple of hours, with enough skill, it will be a work of art.

-Why? – Frank asks.

-Mac, would you do me the honor? – Dennis says.

-Don't mind if I do. –Mac says with a smile. – So there we were this morning, Dennis and I, drinking our morning tea...

-Why are you drinking tea in the morning? – Dee's confused.

-It's my new thing, - Dennis explains, - it's classy and enjoyable.

-And it's good for your health too. – says Mac. – Kills all the viruses in your stomach. Now we were in our living room, sipping our tea, talking about some roommate stuff when suddenly there's news. My mind goes black cause that shit's always boring but then Dennis gets up and turns up the volume! That's how I know it's important. And there it is, the announcement about the charity ball in The Historical Society in Philadelphia! Now, this charity ball is held every four years and I always go to there to mock the dresses, - he giggles. The other guys nod with understanding while Dee looks surprised and just stares at them. – It's, as you know, held  to celebrate the famous pirate who roamed the seas, the One eyed Jack.

-Is that the story our nanny used to tell us? - Dee's confused again and turns to Dennis. - I thought that was an English thing.

-God, would you hurry up! Dennis, can you tell this story? – Frank protests.

-But I love to tell the stories! – Mac says.

-Yeah, Frank, Mac loves to tell stories! – Dennis says with a frown.

Mac then continues: -Now this year something's different. Cause this guy came from England and he's bringing the actual map to the chest of gold!

-The Golden Box, - Charlie says, looking like a man who's woken up from a dream.

-I've heard about that. – Frank says. - That map is made by a drunken sailor. It's shit! It's worth nothing! The Golden Box is not in Philadelphia at all! It doesn't exist.

-Yes it does, - Charlie says. – Frank, why is it so hard for you to believe in anything?

-Cause it's shit! Now, Dennis, I hope you at least are not believing this shit.

-Oh yes, I am. - Dennis says proudly. 

-You assholes really think there's a box made of gold? - Frank asks.

\- I don't. – Dee says with a shrug. – But these guys are gonna get me into the ballroom and I'm gonna look great and get myself a wealthy man, - she says with a southern accent.

\- Why do you always use the same accent, Dee? In every single occasion. – Mac asks her.

\- Yeah, it's really creepy, - says Dennis. – Now, Frank, I know you might not believe me but I'm going to get my hands on that map. Tonight.

-Why are you making that fire poker, then?

-Cause the only way to get into this stupid shit is we have some artifact from that period. We were making our own.

-Wow, that's a great idea, you guys, - says Charlie. - I don't think you've ever had an idea this good. And a night before Halloween! That's amazing!

-No it's a shit idea! You are all idiots. But I'll see what I can do to get us all to the ball, - says Frank.

-But they've used my car battery to make this! – Dee protests. - Shut up, Dee, - They scream.

After a minute of arguing with someone over the phone Frank comes back. – OK, we're in. Mac drop that shit, - he says, pointing at the fire poker.

-But my car's ruined so you could make that! You assholes always ruin my car!

-Shut up, Dee!

\- I still have a bad feeling about this, - adds Frank.

-Charlie, why in God's name are you wearing Dee's shirt? – asks Dennis suddenly.

 

 

8PM

Dee comes back from the office wearing a black dress and a bonnet.

-Why am I dressed like a grandmother? Isn't the whole idea of dressing up to be hot? Not looking like a crazy middle-aged cat lady?

-No, Dee, - Mac says, wearing an expensive white suit, - the whole point is being historically accurate.

-Yeah, Dee, - says Dennis,

 - How come you two assholes look good then?

-Oh we're wealthy sons and you're our nanny, - says Dennis. Dee tries to protest.

-Hello hello hello, - Charlie appears wearing a stable boy's clothes. – Hey, why am I wearing this and you that?

-That was the only one left, - says Dennis.

-Obviously, - says Mac.

-Now guys, lets get back to the plan. OK? First, Dee, you're gonna use what's left of your womanly charms and try to make the Englishman like you. Now I know that's not going to be easy for you, but you're gotta try, OK? Frank, where are your clothes?

-I ain't wearing that.

-Frank, you have to, OK? Why can't you all make something easy for me just once?

-Think of the gold, Frank! - says Charlie.

-Now while Dee is busy trying to make that Englishman like her, Charlie's going to take the key from his belt, cause he's humble looking and no one is going to be looking at him. I will be seducing the lady who's at the entrance, Frank says she's hot and Mac will go to the nearest place to the map and when Charlie gives him the key, he'll...

-I'll steal it! – Says Mac.

-No, Mac, you're gonna take a picture of the map with your phone. Remember, we're only trying to get the gold, not the map.

-Why wouldn't he take the map? – asks Frank. - That's worth something and not this Golden Box which doesn't exist at all!

-Because we are not thieves, OK? We're not ready to steal a three- hundred-year- old map worth thousands of dollars and get away with it! Now gold, we can do that! Cause no one else is looking for gold.

-Cause there is no gold, - says Frank.

-I protest, - says Charlie loudly.

-Here we go, - says Dennis with an eye roll.

-Now Frank here doesn't believe in hidden gold. He doesn't believe there are ghouls and vampires. He thinks he's so smart...

-Charlie, just because we're looking for some gold that's actually mentioned in the chronicles of many travelers doesn't man there are ghouls, OK? If you want to believe in them, that's fine but we're dealing with sensitive things. Don't ruin this for everyone. - Dennis calms him down. - Frank you'll be there to make sure everyone gets out. 

Frank nods. No one looks convinced.

\- Now everyone, gather around!- Yells Mac.

-I'm not doing that, - says Frank, pointing at Mac who's now making everyone form a circle.

-Frank, I swear to God, you will not get anything when we get this gold! Nothing. None. Nada. – Says Dennis trough his teeth. Frank gets up.

-Do you remember the year we tried to get our hands on the golden cross? – Everyone except Frank nods.

-Well we failed that year, - say Dennis, - because we lacked in organisation and skill.

-And because we tried to steal God's work. – says Mac with a nod.

-Crosses are not God's...- Dee starts but gives up.

-But this year, - Dennis starts again, - we're smarter and better and we're going to get our hands on that gold. And we're going to buy a sweet house on the seaside. - They all turn to look at him.

-Dude are you talking again about leaving Philadelphia, - says Mac.

Dennis looks at him. – No it's not... That's not the point. I... Look, we'll talk about the money when the time comes. For now we only have to think about the plan. OK, you guys? Can I trust you?

They all put their hands in the middle of the circle. Even Frank, although he hesitates.

\- All for the gold, - says Dennis.

-It is what it has to be, - everyone responds loudly.

 

10 PM

Frank and Charlie enter first, the man at the entrance side-eyeing them until they give them the invitations. Then he smiles and moves so they can come trough.

-Well that's a not a woman, like you said, Frank. Dennis is gonna have to come up with another plan cause he planned to seduce her while we steal the plan.

-I didn't know they are going with this historical accuracy shit all the way, Charlie. There's always a woman here on other days, what can I do, he's gonna have to think of something else.

-Ooooh, he's gonna be pissed at you, Frank.

-Well he can suck my dick. I still don't get why are we doing this. Now, Charlie, I am not going to come inside this thing and go away empty handed. I have my man, - he adds silently, - who's ready to buy the map from us and I'm gonna need to you to steal it for me.

-Me? Why me? Frank you know I'm not good with these things.

-Charlie, you need to listen to me now, OK? I need you to take the map and give it to me and I'm going to take care of everything else.

-You know I can't promise that, Frank, - Charlie says.

-Yes you can, Charlie. You know what? Cause you're not like these guys. You understand business, like me. Now what's that shit with _All for the gold_  and _It is what it has to be?_

-Oh, that? That's something Dennis and Mac came up with in high school. It means that we'll do all for the money and the other part is doing what's necessary, you know?

-You mean like tricking people? – asks Frank. Charlie looks at him, disappointed.

Behind them Mac and Dennis are giving their invitations to the guy at the entrance.

-Why does this smell of cheese? - the guy asks them with a frown.

Dennis giggles and shrugs. The he adds, silently: – I'm gonna murder Charlie. And Dee! Look at that bitch, she's trying to put three cans of beer in that small, fashionable purse.

-Change of plans?  - Mac says, -I can try to seduce this guy, I'm pretty sure he likes me.

-What? – says Dennis, surprised.

-The guy who just took our invites! He's a guy, Dennis, not a woman like Frank said. We're gonna  need him to be somewhere else when we're done.

-No, Mac, you need to take care of the map, OK, that's the plan, you have the phone, you know how to use it, don't try to mess with the plan.

-What are you going to do, then? – He asks Dennis. – Knock him out? Drug him? Make someone arrest him? - He smiles, encouraging.

-No, - Dennis says, confused. – Why would I do that shit? I'm gonna seduce him. Now go tell Dee that I'm gonna kill her if she doesn't stop acting like a drunk whore.

Mac watches him until he goes. Then he turns around, still confused and goes to look for Dee.

-Dee, Dee, stop drinking that shit and start acting like a lady.

-I can't, Mac, - says Dee and she looks like she'll throw up. – The English guy is really hot. – She points at a handsome guy in a nice suit.

-So? – asks Mac.

-I can't do this if the guy's really hot. These guys don't like me.

Mac rolls his eyes, - Dee, you have to pretend like he's nothing, OK? Hot guys, they know they're hot. Make him feel like he's nothing. Make him regret the day he was born. Show him that you are more beautiful than him and that you're a catch and not him!

-I am? – Dee says.

-No, Dee! – Mac sighs. – You know the plan. Just go with the plan, OK?

-Wait, wait, where's Dennis?

-He's seducing some guy at the door.

-Oh, okay, - says Dee.

-You're not like really surprised? Dennis, with a guy?

-Oh, no, I'm pretty sure Dennis is gay, too, - Dee says simply and leaves Mac in a group of people.

She then proceeds to the handsome guy, takes a deep breath and spills vine all over his shirt.

-Oooooh, I'm so sorry, - she says, - I'm so clumsy.

-Nanny Roberts? – The guy asks with a smile, carefully pulling his shirt away from his body.

-What?

-Your costume! You're nanny Roberts, the first woman who gave the One-eyed pirate a place to stay when he came here, aren't you?

-Why yes I am, - Dee says with her usual accent, unable to stop herself on time.

-That's a great accent, - says the man with a smile. – Can I get you another glass of vine? It seems like this one is gone now.

Dee's smile is wide. Behind the Englishman Charlie grabs the small key from his belt and waves to Dee. She waves her hand and grabs the Englishman's hand. Charlie stares at them.

 

BEFORE MIDNIGHT

 

Dennis is chatting the guy up for an hour now. At first he almost made a mistake of being too forward with him but now it's getting better. He's pretty sure the guy's name is Finn. Finn's also, as it seems from the way he's checking everyone out, at least bisexual. Dennis can work with that.

-So you always wanted to be in the Historical Society of Philadelphia? – says Finn.

-Well it is the best club in the town, - Dennis says. –That's what all the guys are into these days, isn't it? – He asks, with hope in his eyes. Finn smiles.

-I guess so. I mean, you're here, right? We must be doing something right.

Dennis smiles. Easy peasy.

-Wanna show me some other rooms when you're done with your job? Maybe something no one else can see? Something right here, - he says and points to the door behind him.

-That's a toilet, - Finn says. Fuck.

-I know, - Dennis adds with a wink. Finn smiles again. – OK. Lets go.

Mac is looking at them from the other side of the room, not quite ready to believe his eyes.

-Are you seeing this shit? – he asks Charlie. They are waiting for the crowd in front of the room with map to clear out.

-Which one? – Charlie says and inspects the room. – You mean Dee with that fancy Englishman? Like he's all fancy and shit.

-No, why would that be weird? He's hot. I mean Dennis with that guy!

-Yeah, that's not weird, man. Dennis is always flirting with guys.

-What? – Mac shrieks. – No he's not!

-Yes he is, man. You know how he gets discounts like all the time? And free gym membership? Cause he flirts with all these guys all the time. And they give him free shit.

-Well he doesn't flirt with me.

-No? How do you think you became friends in first place? - He then turns around to check the door. -Look, they're gone, lets go.

Mac stands in front of him to keep anyone from seeing them. Charlie unlocks the door and he gets inside.

-Mac- he calls and Mac follows.

The room is full of old things that must cost a lot of money and they all looked like they could've been pulled from the see. The map is in a glass box in the middle of the room.

-Holy fuck, - Mac says.

-I can't believe we're gonna get a real pirate treasure! - Charlie says.

Frank comes inside.

– Frank, what the fuck are you doing? You're supposed to make sure we all make it out alive. – Mac says.

-Look at this beauty, - Frank ignores him and pets the glass box fondly. – I'm gonna get so much for this.

-Frank, you're not getting the map, OK?

-Guys, I know this place! – Charlie says suddenly. He's been studying the map the whole time.

-What are you talking about, Charlie? That map is old as fuck, you can't possibly recognize that place.

-Yes I can! It's the old cemetery behind the church! I've been there once when I was looking after the Waitress. Her father is buried there or something.

-Charlie, are you sure? – Mac asks.

-It doesn't matter, - Frank yells. – Get the map, Charlie so we can get some money from all this.

-What are you lads doing here? – The Englishman is now at the door.

-We were just searching for...- Mac starts.

-Looking for...- Charlie seems lost.

-Bathroom, - says Frank.

-Ghoul's nest - says Charlie. They all stare at him.

-The toilets are downstairs, - says the man. – You'd know that if you were ever a part of this organisation. Now why you are here, really?

There's a loud thump and the guy falls down. Dee is standing behind him with an old pan, after just hitting him with it.

-Oh no, oh no, oh no, but he was so hot, - she says with sadness.

  
\- Come on, Dee, we gotta run, everyone's gonna know we've been here, - Charlie warns her.

\- But I haven't taken a picture yet, - Mac says. - Dennis is gonna kill me!

  
-Go, Mac, - Charlie yells and they're running now, pushing everyone in their way. Dee grabs a sword on her way out and hides it behind her skirt. 

-Go go go go, - Charlie pushes her. 

Dennis meets them at the entrance, buttoning up his shirt.

-What happened with you all? – he asks but no one answers. Mac stares at him the longest.

-Guys, - Charlie screams, - we should all separate and meet at the bar. Be at the bar! – He screams and then he's running into the night. They all start running into separate ways.

-It is what it has to beeeee! - Frank screams and  runs after Charlie.

 

AFTER MIDNIGHT

 

-Stop screaming you idiot, - Dee says to her brother. – It's Frank and Charlie. See?

-Are you guys OK? Are you dead? – Charlie asks. He's dirty and he's helping Frank who looks hurt.

-Yes, Charlie, we are obviously dead, - Dee says with an eye roll. – I can't believe I let that English guy go for this.

-Yeah well you should go back, Dee - Charlie says, mocking her. - Go to London with him.

-No, it's OK, I want the gold, - she says with a shrug.

-Guys, I don't have the map, - Mac says.

-What? – Dennis shrieks. –So this was all for nothing.

-No, - Charlie says. – Cause I've seen the map. I know where we're going.

-Oh great, - Dennis says, - Charlie has seen the map and that must mean it's fine. The man who thinks vampires are rising tonight because tomorrow is Halloween has seen the map and that makes everything OK.

-I really know where this is, - Charlie says. – We should go and check it out, you guys.

-I don't know about that, Charlie, - Frank says suddenly. – Some guys are gonna be really pissed because we didn't get that map. I think they've followed me here.

They all look st him.

– Go get the back entrance. – Dennis says then. – Lets leave Frank here.

-What? – Frank screams. – Don't leave me!

-Really Frank? - Dee screams. – After everything you've done?

-We don't leave anyone behind tonight! - Charlie says. – Now lets go to the back!

They start running again.

 

 


	8. The Gang Has Gold Fever, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gang is trapped in the cemetery.

 

HALLOWEEN

-I can't believe we always end up digging a hole, bro, - Mac says to Charlie. They are standing  in the hole in the ground up to their necks. Two feet away from them Dee and Dennis are arguing and Frank is massaging his damaged foot.

-Well someone's gotta do it, - Charlie says, -these guys won't.

-Well how come it's always you and me? – Mac says and looks at Dennis who's now cleaning his nails. He even got the time to fix his hair and clothes and now looks almost completely clean while the others look like hobos.

-Come on you guys, you know we have only two shovels, - Dennis says, looking at them and waving lazily.

-Dennis, there's no point! There's nothing here! – Mac says, giving up and dropping the shovel. _Told you so,_ mutters Frank.

Dee sits on the ground. Her dress is ripped in many places. – We gotta...we gotta...do something.

-There's no point, you guys, - says Frank.

-Yeah, we always end up on some graveyard, digging a hole. And there's nothing in the hole. Ever.- says Dee.

-Well a hole needs to be diggen, - says Charlie. He keeps going.

-That's not... That's not a word, man, - Dennis says to him surprised.

-Dennis _you_ should jump right in and start digging, - Mac says suddenly and surprises everyone.

Dennis looks at him. – Well, you're the one who has exceptional upper body strength, OK? I've been doing my exercises but my shoulders are just not that broad like yours Mac...

-Dennis, are you doing that thing again when you manipulate me into doing whatever you..

-Shut up! – Frank interrupts them. – Shhhhh. Someone's coming!

Dennis and Dee jump into the hole. Dee trips on her dress and hits a stone with her head. – Oh god damn, - she says silently.

-Who is it, Frank? – Dennis whispers.

Frank jumps now too.  – It's some man. I don't know him!

-Frank, is this the man who's going to kill us if you don't give him the map? - Charlie asks calmly.

-I don't know! Maybe?

-What? – Mac, Dee and Dennis say at once.

-Frank, I'm gonna kill you. Give me the gun! – Dee starts wrestling with him.

-Stop, Dee, stop, you're making too much noise! – Dennis pulls her sleeve and she calms down. – We have to try to stay as silent as we can.

 

10 PM

 

 -I always wanted to die in a graveyard on Halloween, - Charlie says, drinking his last gulp of beer from a can Dee pulled out of her purse. The last beer they have.

-Why? – Dennis indulges him. He's holding the can now, hesitating to take his part of the beer.

-Cause it's the best way to die. The ghouls are already there, you have a  sweet sweet grave ready, your friends are here...

-I can't believe I spent my last day searching for a box made of gold with you idiots, - Dee says, her makeup leaking on her dress.

-I can't believe there's no gold, - says Mac with a sigh.

-I can't believe you made me do this after I told you so many times that there is no gold! – Frank says exasperated.

-Shut up, Frank, you're the one to blame. Why can't you just once do something for your friends and not just turn on us and stab us in our backs? – Dennis looks at him and gives a can to Mac, without having his last drop.

-Me? I turn on you? You were turning on each other long before I even came here!

-Yeah, Dennis, especially you! – Mac says.

-What? What? How am I a problem here?

-Well, - Mac explains, - you don't see me or Charlie going away anytime soon.

-What are you talking about, Mac? Where am I going now? What's happening in that weird, codependent mind of yours now?

-I've heard you, - Mac says and it sounds like a threat, - I've heard you making plans to go somewhere. You are always on your computer and your search history says you're planning to buy some house on the sea with your share of the money.

-What money? – Frank asks but they ignore him.

-What's so wrong with having a place outside of Philly, Mac, huh? It's not my fault we never seen anything else except this dirty old town and the same old people! All our lives! What so wrong about having plans to leave? Just imagine a sweet house by the sea. I could be drinking cocktails right now.

-Why are you so obsessed with cocktails, Dennis? What's so wrong with our beer? – Dee is getting angry. – You' re always talking about cocktails and juices like a god damn bitch.

-And it's not wrong that you're going, Dennis! It's that this time you're not coming back! - Mac says.

-What? – Dennis stares at Mac.

-I know, I know, - Mac makes a grimace, - I know how it is for you since you came back from North Dakota. You're always whining about how boring our lives are, how dirty the bar is...

-He said that? – Dee and Charlie look horrified.

-Well come one, you gotta see that we live like pigs!

-We love the bar, Dennis. It's you who's the problem. – Mac says and looks him in the eye. Dee, who's standing between them, tries to move and give them some space to fight.

-You want me to go? – Dennis asks. He looks very sad.

-Yes I do! – Mac says. He tries really hard to keep his face straight.

-Can you two idiots keep this for when our lives are not in danger? – Frank begs.

-No we can't, - Mac says. – Dennis has got to go now.

-There you are, - a man appears from behind the gravestone, starring straight at them. Dee screams and throws a beer can in his face.

11PM

 

The man's eye is closed and the skin around it bruised. There's also some blood dripping from his forehead. He's holding a really big gun.

-You crazy bitch, - he says to Dee. He is white, skinny and dangerous looking.

-Hey, don't talk to my sister like that, - Dennis warns him. – Now what do you want from us, man? We have no money! We never had any money.

-And if we did, Dennis wouldn't be around at all! 

-Mac, this is hardly the time and the place...

-What are you two idiots talking about? I'm here for the sword! - The man who refuses to tell his name explains.

-What sword? – Dennis asks, confused. Dee gasps.

-The sword you took from the Charity Ball! It's worth thousands. We want it!

-We didn't take any swords! – Dennis screams at him.

-Dee might have taken a sword, - Charlie adds from the hole.

-Oh, Dee, you freakishly tall old bitch, - Dennis says and closes his eyes. Dee looks at him, scared.

-We're gonna give you the sword, right? – says Mac. – And you're gonna leave us alone?

-How about I take the sword and kill you all anyway?

-I feel like that would be a miscommunication, - Charlie screams again. Dennis looks like he's ready to murder him.

-We are all sensible people, right? We can do this properly. We're going to take you to the sword and you're going to be kind enough to leave us alone.

-Yeah, so Dennis can grab a car and leave us all alone here, - says Mac. 

\- Mac, I swear to God... - Dennis turns to Mac, clenching his fist.

-Come on, you morons, - the man says.

-Right. – Dennis says. – Mac, you stay with Charlie here while we go and take the sword, OK? His leg is hurt. Remember how we used to come to our first bar for Halloween?

-No? – Charlie says, again hardy audible from the hole. Dennis closes his eyes and shakes his head again.

-OK, we're going now. OK, Mac? You help Charlie. – Mac nods to that. 

-Don't try anything stupid, - the man warns them. – like calling the police. Or I'm gonna call my friends and kill all your friends.

Then they go away with the man, Dennis holding Dee's hand to make her go faster. Frank keeps looking back, scared. _-All for the gold?_ \- He mouths, insecure. Mac smiles at him.

-What are we going to do now, man? – Charlie asks, falling on his knees in the grave now.

-Oh I know exactly what we're going to do, - Mac comes closer so Charlie can see him and smiles.

 

ALMOST MIDNIGHT

 

-Here we are, - Dennis says and waves his hand to a large room with no light whatsoever. It looks like an abandoned warehouse.

\- I thought you said we were going to the bar! – The man says and looks around with suspicion. 

-This is the bar, - Dennis explains and point to the sign behind the man, where THE BAR is written with black paint on a wooden board. – This is where we used to come when we were in high school. You see, we didn't have any money to start our own business so we used to come here with stolen glasses and beer cans and pretend like we were in our own bar.

-Now I would have to follow them around for six months until they let me come inside, - Dee says with a sigh. Something behind her starts squealing loudly. There's also a loud thump behind them. Frank jumps at the sound.

-What's that? – The man asks.

-Oh just rabbits, - Dennis says simply.

-Rabbits?

-Yeah, Charlie used to bring them here all the time. He thought everyone would love to have animals in the bar. Of course, there was never anyone else here. And, of course, the rabbits started shitting all over the place so he kinda left them here...

-Wait a minute, - the guy says then, pulling out a gun, - there is no sword here, is it?

-I'm gonna give you money, - Frank says, - lots of money! Just let me go.

-Frank you fucking bastard, - Dennis says, not surprised at all. – And of course there's a sword. Here! – He points to something behind the man. He turns around. Dee and Dennis push him with all their strength and Dennis catches his gun which falls out of the man's hand. The man screams and falls. There's a loud thump and a shout before they move and look down. The man is lying in a hole, covered in dirt and rabbit shit.

-The same thing happened to me when I was in high school, - Dee says to him with a smile. – This is how we knew there's a hole.

Mac comes inside running.-Did we get him? Did we get him? – Charlie is limping behind him, smiling.

-We did! Good job, Mac! The door would never have opened from inside. - Dennis pats him on the shoulder.

-Well I remembered how we tested it on Dee that Halloween. – He says and smiles. There's a gentleness in the way Dennis smiles at him and says: - You remembered!

Dee frowns. – Bastards.

-I think the police is gonna be really happy with us for once, - Dennis says loudly to the man. – Of course we might forget to call them for a day or two.

-Yeah, man, we do drink a lot so we forget really easy, - says Charlie.

Everyone laughs.

-I knew you planned something, - Frank says to Dennis with a smile. - The begging thing was just an act, - he explains. Everyone looks at him.

-Frank, I don't have time for your stupid shit right now. – Dennis says.

-How do we know there are no other guys waiting for us outside? – Mac asks.

-Oh that's easy. You see, - Dennis says and points to Dee, - Dee here took this man's phone from his pocket when he tried to strangle her. I saw that from a mile away, good job, Dee.

-Thank you, - she says, bows to everyone and gives Dennis the phone.

-Now I'm gonna type: NO  SWORD. EVERYONE DEAD. MEET ME AT THE RITTENHOUSE. All capital letters. No excessive interpunction. No one's gonna come to see that, right? – He looks at Mac who's standing closest to him. – And even if they do we're gonna warn the police.

-Dennis, that was awesome, - Charlie says. Dee and Frank nod. But Dennis turns to Mac. He's still strangely silent, starring at the sign.

-Hey guys, remember when we made this? - He then says. They all ignore the man groaning in pain and look at the sign.

-Yeah we do!- Charlie smiles fondly. – That's a part of the table from school, isn't it? I remember Mac smashing it with his dad's hammer.

-Yeah, we were so young and innocent then. – Dennis sighs. – Hey, Mac, did you really mean that thing about me having to leave?

-No, - Mac sighs. – It would be really boring without you here, Dennis.

-Yeah, don't go, - says Dee. Charlie nods.

-I was never planning on leaving you again, OK? When am talking about the house at the sea I'm talking about some place where we could all go someday.

-Yeah man, but we're not gonna sell that sword, tho. - Charlie shrugs.

-Of course not, Charlie. Like I said, that's not for us. We don't have that skill. But one day, maybe...

-Come on, Dennis, - Mac is irritated.

-What?

-You don't have to sugarcoat it for us, OK? We know you're gonna leave, you always go and get married and live your life...

-I'm not going anywhere!

-You said you don't want to pretend in front of your son anymore. But that's just who we are, OK? We pretend and we lie and we do some things and sometimes we get what we want but also, sometimes...

-I'm not going anywhere, Mac.

-Really? - Mac is still not sure.

-Really, - Dennis says, and then grabs him by the shirt and kisses him. 

There's a moment of silence.

– Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. – Dee says and looks at Charlie and Frank as if asking for confirmation.

-Yeah, I'm so glad there's not anymore tension, you know? - Charlie says. Dennis and Mac turn to look at them. Mac is blushing and smiling.

-What tension? – They both ask.

-Well that awful will-they-won't-they... – Frank explains and shakes his head.

-Yeah we were really getting tired.- Dee says.

-You guys should've start banging in high school, honestly. We always knew you wanted. - Charlie shrugs.

Dennis and Mac smile. 

-Okay, I'm gonna go now lie in the grave. – Charlie informs them and turns to go.

-What? – They all ask, confused.

-Yeah, it's Halloween and it's nice outside, warm, you know? And I really think I could see a ghoul tonight.

-Charlie, I'm gonna go with you, - Frank says.

-Really, Frank? To search for ghouls?

-Yeah, Charlie, - Frank says gently. –I think we could really see one. Lets go.

-I'm going too. I can't be alone right now. – Dee says and prepares to go with them.

-Wanna go look at some house pictures? – Dennis asks Mac.

-Yeah, - Mac says with a smile. Dennis smiles now too.

Behind them the man in the hole is still shouting.

 

AFTER MIDNIGHT

 

\- This is quite nice, right you guys? Cozy. – Charlie says and moves a bit to make some place for Dee's dress.

  
-Yeah, - Dee says. Her head is still bleeding and she's covered in mud.

  
\- The best, Charlie. – Frank says, his glasses sliding down into dirt.

  
\- Where are we going to hide the sword? – Charlie asks.

  
\- I was thinking maybe that hole in the bar. Could fit right there. – Dee says.

  
\- Yeah, - says Frank. – We'll pull it out some day, tho.

  
\- Yeah, yeah. Would you guys like some bacon?

  
\- What? – Dee shrieks. – Where did you hide this bacon, Charlie?

  
\- This suit's got some great hiding spots, Dee. Don't ask me what else I've got here.

  
\- I'd like some bacon, please, Charlie, - Frank says, not bothered to get up so Charlie has to give the piece of bacon to Dee and then she gives it to Frank.

\- I could eat some bacon, - Dee says and reaches out to Charlie.

  
\- You guys are the best, - Charlie says and smiles. – Wanna know more about ghouls? - Nobody answers so he continues:  -It is said that they go out in midnight, hunting the humans who live around the graveyard, eating the flesh of the dead...

-Charlie, we're literary in a grave right now. Stop.

\- I know Dee. It's awesome, right?

 She hits him in the face with a piece of bacon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the craziest thing I have ever written. @ RCG: There's no room for cowards in this thing!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> I might write some more.


	9. The Wedding Of Artemis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie, Dee, Mac and Dennis go to a wedding, searching for missing Frank.

-Charlie, stop eating that.

Charlie looks at her, his mouth full of flower petals. –No, Dee, I haven't eaten in two days, - he mumbles, - and this is really good.

-Well, me neither, - she looks around, – but that's also really poisonous and you're gonna die! Now all this, - she waves around to a room filling with people, some of them close enough to hear her clearly, - has to end as fast as it can, I'm starving.

They are in a half full church, an hour early for the wedding, as per Dee's request. Dee is wearing a white dress and a hat and Charlie is only wearing a shirt and pants with a silk tie. Of course, as soon as they are seated and Charlie starts eating flower arrangements, the women in front of him starts observing them both, half confused and half horrified. Dee tries to smile  at her a couple of times but soon she gets bored and now she just pokes the old lady in the back every time she tries to say something. 

Mac and Dennis meet them fifteen minutes later, both wearing suits, clean shaven. They both have the same frown when they see their friends.

-Charlie, why are you wearing only a shirt, this is a wedding! - Mac whispers as soon as he sees him.

-Dee burned the other half of my suit, - Charlie explains with a shrug. There are white flower petals all over his shirt and hair.

-You mean your tux? Dee, why did you burn Charlie's suit?

-Well I didn't do it on purpose! - she says. – He told me to iron the shirt which I did, so thanks, Dee, right? But I also burned it a little, that's true.

-Dee, why are you wearing a white dress at a wedding?- Dennis says through clenched teeth.

-Because I look amazing! Why else?

-You know it’s not appropriate to wear a white dress at a wedding, God, why do you always have to embarrass me?

-Not appropriate? Jesus, what crawled up your ass, you steal wedding gifts all the time! –  She says, loud enough. The flower girl side-eyes them. - You know just as I do that you’re just going to steal at least a toaster before we go.

-Mac, please move, - Dennis commands. Mac shifts so now he and Dennis are sitting on opposite sides of the bench with Charlie and Dee in the middle.

-Seriously, Dee, why did you have to wear that hat, you look like our grandmother! – Dennis starts again.

-Shut up, Dennis, it’s classy, - she says and fixes her enormous hat.

-No, it’s not, - he hisses, - no one can see behind you and you look ridiculous, take it off. Look, - he fakes smile to the same woman that’s been glancing at them since they came, - everybody is starring at you, you bitch! 

-I’m not going to take it off, Dennis, I look great. Besides, who cares at all, we only came here to eat!

-Why didn’t you eat at home, god damn it, you animals?

-Because I don’t have any money, - she says, angry, – Frank cut us off. Why are you two here? You know Artemis only invited you because she knew you’d never come.

-Of course we wouldn’t! Are you crazy? But we need to see Frank, he's taken all the money from the bar! He hasn't  been around for some time and he’s probably gonna come crash this so we’re here. 

 -Charlie, - Mac hisses on the other side, - is that flower you’re eating?

-I think that’s on orchard. Tastes like copy paper, I think. – He checks that. -Yeah, copy paper all the way.

-What’s the difference in taste between copy paper and the regular paper? – Mac asks him, confused.

-What’s the difference? – Charlie yells. Dee shushes him. – What’s the difference? - He repeats silently- Well, I don’t know Mac, what’s the difference between turkey meat and, I don’t know, alligator skin? Do you even have taste? Do you even eat food?

-Why flowers, Charlie? Why? – Mac just won’t give up.

-Mac, me and Dee have eaten everything. I mean everything in our homes. Frank’s gone so I’ve got nothing in my place, I’ve been living with Dee for a few days. We’ve eaten our last egg yesterday. I’ve been chewing some tobacco to, like, trick myself that I’m full and all, but my tongue’s now all swollen and look, - he opens his mouth to show Mac his tongue.

-Put that away, Charlie, or I’ll murder you, I swear to god. - Dennis tries to stop him from further horrifying everyone else. - We're trying to do this as quietly as we can. Now what’s with your tuxedo, you look ridiculous? 

-Oh, Dee burned it. See, she ironed the shirt and the pants. But then she got tired and went to get a cigarette and she forgot about the last part.

-Well that’s a nice tie at least, just tell people that you’re hot if they ask about it, - Mac tries to help.

-Why would someone ask me about the suit? That’s crazy. I don't care about their clothes! Never mind, OK, look, thanks, I got this tie and shoes from Dee’s place. She’s hoarding all these things from her exes, it’s crazy.

-Charlie, why is Dee dressed like a crazy cat-lady? – Dennis asks again.

-You mean the dress or the hat?

-Both.

-Well I don’t know about the dress, really, I mean, who wears white to a wedding? She’s not the bride, am I right? But the hat is because she burned all her hair and she’s now covering it.

-What?

-I’m not…, - Dee sighs, trying to ignore them at first but then giving up -I’m not covering my ruined hair, OK, Dennis? I’ve tried some hair dye and it seems like I have an allergy or something, it’s gonna be OK, you just watch your business, every classy woman here has a hat…

-That’s not a hat, that’s a fucking umbrella and nobody behind you can see anything…

The wedding band starts playing but Dennis’ voice is still audible in the now full church.

-Oh god, I can’t get up I’m gonna faint, - Dee says and fans herself with a prayer book.

-Dee, when’s the last time you ate? – Mac asks her, looking worried about her and Charlie.

-Oh I don’t know, Mac, yesterday, the day before? I’m gonna kill Frank I swear. I’m just, - she turns around to look for him but she can’t see anything because of her giant hat, - waiting for that god damn son of a bitch to come.

-Well, Dee, if _you_ weren’t a goddamn bitch all your life maybe you’d have some money saved…

-Like you didn’t spend all my savings on buying some stupid shit, Dennis, shut up or I’ll swear to God I’m gonna kill everyone you know.

-Look, Dee, I’m not gonna fight right now OK? Do me a favor, can you look at that girl in the third row? Is that the girl from the bar that I used to bang last summer?

-How could I… – Dee protests but still looks at the girl- how could I fucking know if that’s the girl? She has boobs so you probably banged her, what’s the point in remembering every girl if you….

But Dennis is listening to something else: -Oh god, I gotta hide then. Are Mac and Charlie seriously talking about sex right now, in church?

-Yeah, - she answers with a shrug - Charlie discovered something really important last night.

-What?

-Well I’m not gonna say it so maybe…listen… to him…?

Charlie on the other hand seems really into this conversation with Mac: -I think I’m not really into sex, you know?

-No?

-Like I don’t mind having sex, when I do, you know? It’s just that when I don’t I’m not thinking about it at all. I could really just not do it. At all. And it’ll be like OK, I’m not having sex ever again, lets just move that out of the way, you know what I mean?

-No, Charlie, I really don’t. Are you saying you don’t want to have sex?

-No, I’m just saying that I wouldn’t mind not ever having sex, you know? Like I don’t need to have sex, at all.

-Oh OK. Good for you, bud. Must be nice. Now did you even have sex lately and you know that or are you just thinking you don’t want it because you haven’t had sex in years?

-No, I’ve had sex, that’s not…

-Mac, - Dennis interrupts them, - tell Charlie to stop with that crazy talk, we’re in a church.

-Dennis, - Mac gets angry, - don’t tell me how to act in church, OK, I’ve been in church all my life! I’ve been to church this morning! Although I hate this church because they made me listen to some foreign pilgrims or some shit and…

-How did he even discover he doesn’t like sex? Why is he lying? Who the fuck would sleep with him?

-Yeah, Charlie, is this about the Waitress again?- Mac asks, worried.

Dee stares at him.

-Hey, Dee, why don’t you just tap mac? – Dennis turns to Dee again, not listening to Mac anymore.

-Wow, I though that’s was _your_ job.

-What? – He’s confused for a second and then figures it out. – Dee, you fucking moron, you know what I was thinking! Why don't you just tak some money from the ATM? You can’t starve because you’re a lazy bitch, OK, we need a waitress at the bar.

-Oh god, you could at least pretend you care about your sister dying, Jesus Christ, Dennis. But, since we’re at it, Dennis, lets see, shall we? Who tops?

-What? - Dennis is annoyed, - Dee, what are you even saying right now? Would you cut that mouth-spewing god damn…

-You know; - she says slowly and pulls a notebook from her bag. – Charlie and I have this notebook for just this purpose. Now Charlie, - she calls, - don’t tell Dennis what our bet’s about! I’m only gonna tell you that it’s amazing, Dennis, and that I’m going to win. Now, we’ve got some projections here…

-You got time to do that, - he points at the graphics in her notebook, - and not enough time to make some human food?

Almost everyone else in the church is standing up by now, waiting for the bride to enter.

-Shut up, Dennis, this is important. Now, - she points to a picture Charlie drew, - this is first position and I was wondering…

-Dee, Jesus Christ, put that away, - Mac says and tries to move her notebook so that nobody can see. The old lady behind them still manages to get a glance at the drawing. Everyone else around them looks like they gave up on waiting for the bride and groom and is now just watching what they are doing.

-See, Dee thinks that if you put enough pressure on a lid, the whole glass might break, - Charlie explains, cutting a piece of the prayer book and then starts to chew it. Dennis looks at him, perplexed.

-What lid, what are you talking about? – Mac asks, annoyed again.

-Well, it’s the same as the pen and the cap. Now, if you put enough pressure, will the pen break or the cap?

-Charlie, I don't fucking know what are you talking about! – Mac shouts again. – What’s all that about pens and lids?

-Oh they are just talking about us having sex, - Dennis says lazily.

-What? God damn it, Dee, stop with that shit! Is that a drawing? Ha? Is that a picture of me and Dennis?

-Yeah, it’s really good, right? – She shows the picture to Mac proudly.- It’s very graphic. - A couple of people behind them start coughing.

-What’s that about breaking, then? What is that to break? – Mac is horrified now.

-I think they’re talking about your dick, Mac. Or the asshole, it depends. You see, Dee and Charlie think that you are the top in this relationship. Yeah, they even placed bets on it.

-Well, that’s so disrespectful, you guys, but also, yes, thank you, Dee, that's exactly…

-How do you know that I put a bet on you? – She asks.

-You didn’t? You honestly think that I’m Dennis’ bottom? - He's offended.

-Well, power bottom, you know. It’s because of your ass, really. You see, Dennis has no ass and that would be impractical…

-What? I have an ass!

The old man who’s sitting in the first row now turns to look at them. Everyone probably thought he was deaf before because he’s the only one who didn’t look at them until now. Mac waves at him, smiling nervously. 

-Charlie, can you draw a detailed picture of Dennis’ ass, I’m trying to make a point here. – Dee says. Charlie nods and stretches his hand to grab the notebook.

-No, if anyone is going to draw a picture of my ass, it's gonna be me, - Dennis shouts and grabs the notebook. Mac rolls his eyes:  -Where’s the fucking bride? – he says, looking around in panic.

An old lady says, starring at Dee trough her giant glasses. -Are you the girl from the commercial? The nasty sex one?

-Shut up, grandma – She answers, warning the old lady to turn around.

-No, she’s just joking, you see, - Mac laughs unconvincingly, - she’s a joker. Dee they’re going to throw us out! We're never gonna find Frank again!

-No I’m not joking. Mind your own business, old lady, or I'll put those glasses where the sun don't shine.

-What commercial? - Dennis asks, still looking at the drawing. 

-Fuck you, Dennis. Oooooh, look, there’s your old girlfriend coming here, you’re fucked now, - she points and giggles.

-Hello Dennis, - A tall, pretty girl in a green dress says when she approaches. They all stare at her, looking somewhat scared.

-Hello,  - he says and pauses and it’s obvious to everyone now that he doesn’t remember her name.

-Oh this is great! You don’t remember me, do you, you stupid fuck?

-Well  of course I do… Candy?

-Candy? I’m not a fucking stripper, Dennis.

-Not with those boobs you aren’t, - Charlie says and they all start laughing. Mac and Dennis high five him.

-Great. Great joke, Charlie. I haven’t heard that one before.

-Wait, how do you know my name? – Charlie is confused.

-Are you kidding me right now? I spent hours with you in your disgusting bar. - She says.

-I’ve never seen you before, - Charlie says, frowning.

-I’m literary seeing you for the first time in my life, - Mac confirms.

-Are you sure your name’s not Candy? – Dennis asks.

-Oh my god, Dennis, you’re such a shit. I hope you die. Who are you dating right now, ha? Who's the poor girl you're molesting now?

-Well, I’m with a man right now if you must know. – Dennis says. Mac looks at him and then at the girl.

The girl starts laughing. – Oh god, how do you even live with yourself, you lying piece of shit?

-No, I’m serious, - he shrugs.

-Yeah? Are you scamming him now? Is he rich? Dying? Either way, that motherfucker, if he’s real at all, is the unluckiest man on Earth.

She throws a prayer book on him and then leaves. 

-Wow! She's a bitch, - Charlie says when she's gone.

-Yeah, Dennis, what did you do? – Dee asks.

-I don’t have any idea; - He shrugs. – And I’m pretty sure I thought her name was Candy even when we were dating. I mean, she does look like a stripper, right? Or is it just me? - He smiles again. Mac is silent.

-Oh my God, - Dennis rolls his eyes, - Mac are you going to start with your silent treatment again?

-No, - Mac says but Dennis is not convinced.

-What’s that about? – Charlie looks at Dennis.

-Mac’s angry because he thinks I’m not serious about this relationship.

-Oh god, - Dee rolls her eyes and tries to get out of there. 

-Well you’ve heard the girl, Dennis doesn’t even remember her name!

-That’s only the girl, OK? – Dennis shouts, - that’s about the girl and not you! I’ve been with you for fifteen years!

Someone behind him starts clapping.

-No you haven't! - Mac shouts. The clapping stops.

-Yes I have, OK? Jesus Christ, you’re the only real relationship I’ve had in my life! I don’t like anybody, OK? I have an awful family! I hate my father! My sister hates me! – Dee covers her face. - You’re my best friend! You’ve always been my best friend. And if now, - he looks around, - we also have sex, that’s a plus, right? Look, I don’t want to marry anyone, ever? I’ve been in that sinkhole and it stinks and it’s awful and creepy. Marriage is shit! But if I could have a good marriage with someone that would be you, OK? – He continues, softly, - That would be you.

Mac smiles widely to him. More people start clapping.

-Oh shut the fuck up, - the girl whose name is definitely not Candy shouts from the other part of the room, - he pretended to be disabled to get me to date him! Then he pretended that he was sick so I would feel bad and have sex with him! And then, - she’s screaming louder now, - he pretended to be dead so he could dump me! He even got his boyfriend to take me to his grave!

-Oh, that's Rose! – Dennis and Mac say at the same time.

-Yeaaaah, I remember now, - Charlie adds with a smile.

People around them start protesting.

-OK, OK, fuck, everyone, just sit down, this is a wedding! – Charlie screams. Most of them shrug and really do sit down.

-No, no, no, - this wedding is not happening, - Some man, who they recognize as Roger, Artemis' future husband says, enters the room finally.

-Oh god damn this idiots, - Dee says and stands up, - where’s the fucking food, Charlie?

-I think I saw some in the other room, Dee, why, do you wanna check it out?

-Yeah, fuck yes,- she says and they leave the room. Mac and Dennis move so they're touching.

-What’s happening, Roger? – An older woman, probably his mother asks him.

-My bride run away with some old man! - He shouts. 

There’s another, louder murmur in the room now. Guests start moving again.

-Dennis, - Mac whispers to him, - we should really go now.

Roger's voice interrupts them trying to leave the room unseen. -Hey! – He screams and everyone turns around to look at them again, - Isn’t that man your father?

-They are brothers? – Someone shouts. People start screaming.

-No, no, no, no, no, - Mac starts screaming but the crowd is furious now.

-He came on a horse, - Roger starts screaming and then crying. – He came on a fucking horse.

-Well, if it's any consolation, - Dee says, standing at the door, eating a crab cake, - I think he came with a pretty big-ass cheque book too. 

-They’re stealing the food, - someone shouts from the other room, pointing at Dee and Charlie who are now holding a mix of glasses, seafood salad and flowers. Charlie is still grabbing flowers from the nearby table when Dee starts screaming: - Run! Run for your life! – Her hat has fallen off and her hair is almost orange. Everyone stares at her.

Finally, a man hits Dennis in the head with a walking stick.

 

***

 

-God, that was crazy, - Mac says, taking off his tie. They are finally back in their apartment, hours after the incident.

-Yeah, fucking lunatics, - Dennis says.

-Can't make a joke.

-Worthless pieces of shit.

-I really appreciate what you said there, bro, - Mac says softly.

-Yeaaah, - Dennis says, unconvincingly  . – Mac, you won't get weird now on me and shit?

-Nah, man. In fact, I won't mention it ever again.

-Thanks Mac. You truly are the best.

-It's cool, Dennis. Wanna have sex now?

-Yeah, - Dennis smiles. – Sure. I'm coming right now.

-I'm waiting. I'm not even gonna brush my teeth man, - Mac says, excited.

-No, you should, you should seriously wash your mouth, Mac, it's not, it's not really healthy for you...

The last part is lost as they go to the bathroom together. After that there's only the sound of two men grunting and fighting and bed creaking.

Under the bed there are only two pairs of eyeballs and teeth visible. Dee smiles to Charlie, both dressed in black, and he carefully pulls a hand from his pocket and gives her a twenty dollar bill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I wrote this chapter while my brother was watching some episodes beside me so I really wanted to imitate the way they speak in the average episode. It also took me a fuckload of time to do it.  
> The whole "tap mac" thing is something I've heard about in an episode of "Criminal Minds" and I thought it would be a funny thing for Dennis to say.  
> Also, this is where I decided to once and for all write Charlie as not very into sex/probably asexual character cause it's a great fan theory and also there is no asexual representation anywhere. I hope the show explores that more too.  
> As always, thank you so much for reading! I write this to get the disappointment about how this season ended out of my system and it's actually working.  
> If you want to chat more, find me on tumblr @deeslaviclesbian.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning on writing a 10 part series or my own season 13 where the things will happen as I want them to. Season 12 left me with a lot to hope for and this is just my way of dealing with things. 
> 
> (find me on tumblr @deeslaviclesbian)


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